Letters to Santa

These folks, they want nothing!” according to the elephantine elf in the room.

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

 

— Victor Borge

 

Now that Corporate America has allowed us our 30 seconds to enjoy family and friends on Thanksgiving, it shouldn’t have surprised Spin Cycle when an anonymous packet of documents appeared on the homestead’s seasonal “Merry AF” doormat. Stamped “StNickiLeaks” in Comic Sans font on the envelope, the contents proved a treasure trove of requests to Santa Claus from a plentiful pack of pols, pontificators and public puffery prestidigitators.

 

Some were predictable. Sean “Dancing with the Scars” Spicer’s heartfelt plea for a right foot to supplant one of his two left feet, for example. Meanwhile, Melania Trump seeking a “viable, profitable and existential” exit strategy from His Orangeness exhibited Einsteinian thoughtfulness. Conversely, Paul Manafort begging for hair dye was nauseatingly pitiful. (“Lookin’ like Bride of Frankenstein over here, Claus!” won’t garner a lot of sympathy, Paulie.)

 

Back home, there were some notable Santa queries. San Diego, as no one has ever said, never disappoints! Check out a sampling from this year’s crop of yuletide yearnings.

 

Santa amigo!

 

First off *puff* pardon me for my last couple years being incommunicado. (Oops, did I just use a Spanish word? Wall I’ll be damned! Dad said to start with a joke.) *puff puff* Anyways, need a couple of things heading into 2020. No, not more golf shorts. Covered there — and besides, I’ve heard my next living arrangements might come with — get this — free uniforms! (Fingers crossed!) *puff puff puff* No, what I really, really need is, um, a solid defense. *puff puff puff puff* I tell ya, we’re throwing vape pens at the wall and, frankly nada. (Dang, Spanish again!) *puff puff puff puff puff* Do I sound guilty? Pardon? It’s noisy in the uniform-fitting room! Pardon? Strip search?!?! Mr. President! Daddy!! Eggburt!!!…

 

Semper ho ho ho,

 

Duncan “Dragon’s Blood” Hunter

 

Oh Holy Father of Gimme Things,

 

Santa. Pappy Doug here. Gotta say the Pops is a little disappointed in your recent track record vis-à-vis me getting what I want. You could argue — not incorrectly — that the Papster has more than he needs and/or deserves. That’s not the point! I shelled out perfectly good coinage to wrap up that Bahama ambassadorship. (That reminds me. Note to Poppy: cc this to those senators who’ve been so helpful.) So, I’ve bought that big North Pole plot where all the elves sleep in dorms. Planning a Manchester Winterland Reindeer Resort at Santa’s Village as we speak. So how about it?

 

Regally,

 

Doug “Papa Doug” “Dougster” “Dougie” “Not Papa John” Manchester

 

Santa-approved (?) U.S. Ambassador to the North Pole

 

Santy ol’ pal,

 

Hey, it’s Carl. And Darrell. Yeah, him too. Anyways, thought I’d tape this in my basement Bunker for End Times with my good friend who should just drop the hell out of the 50th Congressional race. I’m in it to gin it. I mean win it. Oooo, calling Dr. Freud! Hehehehehe. Shut up, Carl. Ooooo, naughty not nice, right Santa? Speaking of, back to you. We need a copy of Dear Leader Trump’s wish list, and previous years lists if you keep them. We plan to shower him with all his desires until he tweets either of us back with a thumb’s up. It won’t be you, Carl. And why would it be you, other than your millions, Darrell? Enough said, Carl. OK, I’m hitting the stop button on the cassette machine….

 

In service to us,

 

Carl DeMaio and Darrell Issa

 

Loser and quitter, respectively, of previous seats in Congress

 

Honorable Mr. Claus,

 

Not a huge follower, but I’ve crunched the data. It seems you have the pulse of many San Diegans, both nice and not so much. I’m wondering if you could provide a spreadsheet prioritizing all the wants and dreams of this quirky, not-so-little hamlet. If you could also pull the details of Scott Sherman’s past wish lists for me, because I’m guessing “Make Me Mayor” wasn’t ever on any of them. More like “Get Me Outta Here!” amirite? Also, some people I know may be requesting scooters this year. Please substitute one (1) lump of coal per request.

 

Careful sleighing on the boardwalk!

 

Councilmember and mayoral candidate Barbara Bry

 

Nick,

 

Still thawing out the toes from that last visit to Lake Rudolph. Parachuting in from Vixen’s hang glider was awesome! Almost as exhilarating as that time I wrestled three bears simultaneously while keeping my line in the trout stream. Good times. But to the point, I’ve done gone and done a crazy thing — yep, pulled papers to run for mayor next year. I know, nuts, huh? Yeah well, this guy over at Republican HQ, Krvaric? (You probably have him noted on the Naughty List as Strider.) Anyways, he won’t let up! Please, please, Scott, I’ve got no one running for mayor! I’m a laughingstock! Make ‘em laugh less, please, please? So, yeah, I caved when he squeezed out a tear. So, I’ll need a new calendar, not one of those countdown-till-I’m-gone ones. A real one. And see if you can get me a sit-down interview with that guy at CityBeat. I know, but a guy can dream, right?

 

Housing adventurous wishes from the Grantville Gorilla, Councilman and mayoral-paper-puller Scott Sherman

 

Sniff,

 

I want nothing! I want nothing! Hahaha, that line kills me every time. Claus, yeah it’s me, The Donald. Thee Donald. Donald Duck? Bullshit. Donald Glover? Don’t know him. Donald Sutherland? Liked him in “The Dirty Dozen,” otherwise overrated! I’ll be brief, Santa. That aid you want for the “climate change” Hoax? Fine. Just need a favor, bro. Gift wrap me with a big red bow and sleigh me over to Vlad’s place, will ya? Pence, are we transcribing this? Oops, into the special server this goes!

 

No collusion, no quid pro quo, no want nothing, no no no,

 

Make America No Again, Yes? I smell cake. Two scoops for me, *sniff*

 

Tweeter in Chief

Spin Cycle appears every other week. Write to john@sdcitybeat.com.