San Diego CityBeat - Sordid Tales

My retort to the Ed Decker 50th Birthday Roast - I’m breaking the rules and having my say, dammit!

Wed, 16 May 2012 00:00:00 CDT

For those who don’t know, last Sunday, my wife produced the Ed Decker 50th Birthday Roast held at Winstons Beach Club. It was great, and, by “great,” I mean the way being shackled to the Judas Chair for a two-hour Spanish Inquisition is great.

Becoming fluent in safety-speak - Ted Nugent, Hillary Rosen and the overreactionistas

Wed, 02 May 2012 00:00:00 CDT

Oh, yes, I’m amused by Ted Nugent—The Noodge, as I like to call him—for having saltpeter in his pecker and gunpowder where his brain should be, but not nearly as amused as I am by the professional overreactionistas

‘America, love it or leave it’ - Remember, it goes both ways

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:00:00 CDT

The phrase “America, love it or leave it” is what’s known as a false dilemma because it supposes only two options when actually they are bottomless.

Acute Server Burnout Disorder - Only you can help prevent its spread

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:00:00 CDT

Acute Server burnout is a disorder from which it is difficult to recover, especially in the final stages—when you hate the bar and the bands, the funbuzzes become more murky and stygian and your clammy lizard claws are ready to carve out the organs of the first customer who stiffs you.

Code Red is a must for anyone living with a woman - Meet the iPhone app that will probably save your life

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 00:00:00 CDT

Code Red is an ingenious little tool that warns you when your wife or girlfriend—or any cohabitating female for that matter—is about to have her period.

All we are saying, is give cheese a chance - Don’t be such a snob—you might actually enjoy cover music

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 00:00:00 CST

So, while this issue of CityBeat is devoted to all the excellent original bands of San Diego (CityBeat staffers are notorious OMSs), I tip my hat to the red-headed stepchildren of the scene, and will hopefully change some minds to boot

It’s time to forgive Eli Manning, San Diego - The quarterback that got away just wasn’t that into you

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:00:00 CST

It’s been two weeks since my beloved New York Giants took Super Bowl XLVI, and still the pernicious missives from my Giants-Hating Chargers-fan friends keep rolling in.

In defense of texting - Don’t try to tell me nobody talks to nobody anymore

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:00 CST

I’m like Rachel in the movie The Ring. Whenever the phone rings, my heart stops for fear the caller might be a little girl with wet, black hair who will want to talk about band camp for an hour. This is why I am so grateful for all the communication technology we have today.

Jay-Z’s song about his new baby blows - But don’t all songs about babies blow?

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:00 CST

Whether you believe newborn babies are miraculous gifts from God or subterranean alien vampire-rats bent on draining your life force, can we at least agree that songs about babies tend to suck rusty buckets of contaminated amniotic fluid?

Cee Lo’s revision of ‘Imagine’ was perfectly fine, except that it sucked - Changing John Lennon’s lyrics wasn’t the problem

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:00:00 CST

How is it possible that all the over-reactionistas and followers of The John Lennon Church of Latter Day Music Snobs don’t recognize that redesigning old songs is an exciting and unpredictable part of the music scene.

Indefinite detention definitely will be made law indefinitely - Obama has made me so mad—I just... I just... Grrr!

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 00:00:00 CST

The bill is called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) for Fiscal Year 2012, and it basically does what all previous NDAA bills have done—fund the military—the only difference being that this one has a provision that desecrates the Constitution, the founders, civil liberties, puppies and everything else that is right and good about the U.S.A.

Three reasons why the world won’t end on Dec. 21, 2012 - Breaking down the crackpots’ analysis of the Maya calendars

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:00:00 CST

This is why I can’t wait for Dec. 22, 2012. Because there will be not one, but thousands of kooky soothsayers who will have to backpedal like hell once Mayageddon is proven to be horse shit. And I know it’s horse shit for three reasons:

Men, it’s time we stopped throwing each other under the bus - Don’t go rogue against The Brotherhood—unite!

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:00:00 CST

What is going rogue, you ask? Going rogue is buying or doing something so wonderful, thoughtful, bla bla bla for your wife, that it causes all the women of the inner circle to blurt to their husbands, “How come you don’t buy me no iPad!?”

I’m re-re-really disgusted with the re-reaffirmation of In God We Trust as the national motto - A member of Congress misrepresents opinion of deceased justice to make a dubious point

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:00:00 CST

On Nov. 1, Congress passed a non-binding resolution to reaffirm “In God We Trust” as the national motto. There are two problems with this. The first, and most glaring, is that “In God We Trust” is a terrible motto.

Will marijuana consumption double or triple if made legal? I doubt it - Fuddy Duddies pull statistics out of their butts to make a point

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 00:00:00 CDT

Don’t you hate when people make declarative, predictive statements about things that might happen in the future when everybody knows that nobody knows what the future holds.

What if Mormons were mainstream and Christians the fringe? - Pondering the comments of those who think Mitt Romney’s religions is kooky and others aren’t

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 00:00:00 CDT

I always get a big yuck out of these mainstream-religion types who scoff at fringe religions as being preposterous, which is like junkies scoffing at tweakers for being addicted to a more damaging drug.

I love gay people! - A lesbian bridesmaid responds to charges of homophobia

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:00:00 CDT

While I received a lot of support from members of the LGBT community, a lot more sent very angry, accusatory missives, all of which boiled down to one or all of the following questions 1. Is Ed Decker a homophobe? 2. Is it ever permissible to use bigoted epithets? 3. Does Ed Decker owe an apology?

Scorned by the Sons of Lame-archy - Just because you have a nicer bike doesn’t mean you’re better than me

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:00:00 CDT

When the light turned green, he revved up and peeled out, leaving me in a poisonous cloud of noise pollution, hate pollution and pollution pollution. And what I thought as I stared at the back of his motorcycle jacket, with the motorcycle-club iron-on patch was, He thinks I’m the pussy!?

Rethinking China’s family-planning policy - Why Joe Biden’s almost-endorsement of the one-child rule didn’t bother me in the least

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 00:00:00 CDT

You know I know that the Chinese family-planning policy is barbaric. I would never support a law that limits our right to reproduce; however—isn’t it time our government stops promoting reproduction?

Finally, a fatwa we can get behind! - The death threat against David Letterman has me confronting my own self-image issues

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 00:00:00 CDT

So, this week’s column is about the fatwa-like death threat against David Letterman for sayi—waaait a minute! What the hell is that!? At the top left of this column? Is that my picture up there?