The world will end on Friday, Dec. 21, 2012. How do I know? Because I heard it on cable TV one night when I was half-asleep.

My ideal final day would be spent living as if the world had already ended. Perhaps there’s no escaping the comets, nuclear explosions and Stay Puft marshmallow men, but there’s always that glaring what if.

According to conventional wisdom, doomsday is a time to reflect—you know, it’s the last chance to see your friends and family, hold your loved ones and all that jazz.

Should the world deteriorate into chaos due to the inevitable end of days, I fancy myself tying on a bandana, arming myself with automatic weaponry and galvanizing the charge to do whatever it takes to live right up until the very last possible breath.

After the world ends, there’ll be two kinds of people—those who were ready for it and everyone else. My colleagues, who aren’t making plans for the future, probably won’t make it past the event, whatever it is, and if they do, they’ll likely end up enslaved or eaten, or quite possibly both.

When I was growing up, my mom had a quirky little needlepoint sign in the kitchen that read, “Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”

I was sitting in my underwear drinking wine out of a coffee mug when I heard the news. The damned Mayans were right. We’re all goners in a day.

My last day on Earth would start off like any other: with coffee. But a coffeehouse can be a frantic place, with caffeine pumping through patrons’ veins, papers and board games scattered on table tops and music that, more often than not, makes me want to run like hell.

It’s the end of the world and perhaps I have a regret or two in life. For one, I don’t spend nearly enough time outdoors, despite the incredibly beautiful places in San Diego.

This end-of-the-world exercise isn’t easy for me because, if it really were doomsday, I’d probably be covering it up to the last minute, trying to track down who’s responsible, who’s profiting from it and then live tweeting the dissolution of reality.

I’m going to need a boost of protein to kick off the big, beautiful day I have planned, and since this whole crazy dance will be ending shortly, damn the sugar content!