The Vintage & Handmade Market Author's note: The following was posted on the message board of my website in response to a recent "Sordid Tales" column called "Anatomy of a patriot song":
"... The one thing I find peculiar is that the individuals who are most vocal about their being anti-government or anti-war are the very ones who would not be willing fight for the ideals they hold so dear.... I support my government and my nation [though] I don't always agree with our policies.... The difference here is that I fought for my beliefs. I served as a paratrooper in Somalia back in 1993. I learned the cost of freedom the hard way. All these rights you exercise on a daily basis are paid for in blood.... There are men of action and there are men who talk about it."
-Johnny, Aug. 13, 2003
That was a great letter, Johnny. Even though you are so very wrong about so very many things, at least you are wrong with intelligence and class. For instance, you might have called me a coward instead of using the euphemism "unwilling to fight." But you didn't. You refrained from name-calling to keep the debate on point, and I think that's pretty OK.
Still, "coward" would have been the better word-because I am a coward. I'm scared to death of being shot in the face and left for dead on some brain-splattered battlefield. And I'm scared of shooting people in their faces just as much. Which does not mean, Johnny, that I don't understand the need to sometimes shoot people in their faces for the forces of good. I do. And I'm eternally grateful that we have guys like you taking care of these matters. But you are still so very wrong about so very many things. For example...
You wrote: "The individuals who are most vocal about their being anti-government or anti-war are the ones who would not be willing fight for the ideals they hold so dear."
Are you implying, then, that the people who are pro-government and pro-war are willing to fight? That hardly seems true. All you have to do is look around and see who is yapping about the need for this war-yet they're still here! They didn't enlist either. Which makes them cowards.
Everybody is a coward, you know, they just come in different types: There is the coward like me, who is afraid of getting shot so he stays away from the shooting. There is the coward like you, who is afraid to get shot, so he shoots the other guy first (also known as a preemptive strike). Then there is the aforementioned coward who is so afraid to get shot, he enlists someone else to do his shooting for him. That's the cowardliest coward of them all.
You wrote: "The difference here is that I fought for my beliefs.... [Your] rights are paid for with the blood of volunteers."
That's all very dramatic and romantic, Johnny. But you cheapen that sacrifice when you use it to suggest that I can't engage in passionate dialogue about my country because I didn't fight, kill or die for it. Well, maybe I haven't killed for it, and maybe I haven't died for it. But baby, I'm fighting like all-fuck. Just like the plumber, the artisan, the politician, the "Your-name-on-rice" guy and all the other cogs in this machine who are sweating and toiling to keep this country up and running. Here's the real difference 'tween us: I will always be grateful for how you served our country; why can't you be a tad grateful for how I serve?
You wrote: "There are men of action and there are men who talk about it."
You say that like you don't think talking isn't important. Sure, I will concede that my talking doesn't amount to a hill of deadbeat jumping beans, but the collective talking of all the people is why you fight. Thus, when you insult the talkers you insult your brothers and your sisters. You insult your papa. You insult your mama! You insult your President, and your hairdresser, and the guy who mows your lawn. You insult my mama. You insult that dude who let you change lanes on the 805 yesterday. You insult Derek Jeter. You insult teachers, preachers, senators and janitors. You insult anybody who never shot anybody in anybody's face simply because they are not the face-shooting type. You insult yourself-since free speech is why you fought. And you insult me.
For I am coward; hear me roar-with too many phobias to ignore. I have so many phobias I'm a phobiatch: I have apiphobia (fear of bees). I have taphophobia (fear of being buried alive). I have autophobia (fear of being egotistical). I also have some of the lesser known phobias that prevent me from attending wars, such as: shrapnephobia (fear of grenades), sandincrackaphobia (fear of sand scraping my rectum). Oh Lordy, I even have showeringwithmenaphobia.
Sorry, Johnny, I'm just not built for the military.
But that does not mean I don't get a voice, or the right to use that voice how I wish. Jeez man, you should be happy that I do. If my rights were bought with your blood and sacrifice, then why aren't you elated that I am exercising those rights? I couldn't honor you any more nobly than that.
