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Home / Articles / Opinion / Backwards & in High Heels /  Hypothetically speaking
. . . .
Wednesday, Jan 05, 2011

Hypothetically speaking

Resolutions that I’m not going to make

By Aaryn Belfer
As far as I’m concerned, New Year’s resolutions are for other people. You want to make enough of them to fill a Torah-length scroll? Good for you. Way to be ambitious. I, on the other hand, never make any. I don’t need that kind of pressure. The way I see it, failure hurts less when you aim low. If it’s suffering and self-flagellation I want, I’ll let eight weeks slip by between bikini waxes.

However. When a flight attendant offered a free cocktail to the passenger with the most creative resolution during a recent flight, I whipped out my pen. It may have been disingenuous to participate, seeing as I had zero intention of actually seeing mine through. But I’m competitive and I wanted a whisky. Mostly, I’m competitive.

The judging resulted in a four-way tie.

Two people promised to feed the homeless and do good for the downtrodden and blah-dee-blah—fairly vague and accountability-free goals, if you ask me. Another winner planned to travel on Alaska Airlines 50 times during 2011. Clearly, this lady was the class suck up, the one who always sat in the front row with her hand up and a ready answer. She was the one who volunteered to help the teacher pass out the exam sheets.

And then there was the woman in seat 9B who promised “to be more compassionate toward all the mutants who seemed never to have been through an airport security check point before, like the sedated lady with a lapcat and two teenage traveling companions who—more concerned with the perfect placement of their Justin Bieber coifs—couldn’t be bothered to help their molasses-impersonating basket case of a mother unload her 17 bins of crap.”

Is it wrong to quote myself ? And so it was—as Sam and I sipped on free Crown Royal during the last hour of our flight, basking in the glow of my win—that I proceeded to compile a list of resolutions I would make if I were a resolution maker. Which I still am not. But if I were, 2011 would be the year that:

• I would be on time for everything, including bill payment, starting my period and deadlines (waves sheepishly to editor).

• I would brush my teeth and floss after every meal.

• I would open and sort through my stack of mail on a daily basis rather than piling it up on every household surface indefinitely.

• Instead of running on fumes, I would fill my car up with gas whenever it gets down to the quarter-tank mark so that when Armageddon or Rainmageddon or Whatevermageddon happens, I’d be prepared.

I might even stock my trunk with a gallon of water, a flashlight, an emergency blanket and some canned beans. I’d be sort of like a Mormon, only without the magic underpants and self-righteousness.

• Speaking of beans, I would stop kvetching about how the taco shop screwed up my burrito again, even as I ate my burrito. Instead of ruining the meal for everybody, I would take it back to the counter and ask for it to be fixed.

• I would ask nicely.

• I would try to pretend, for the benefit of my friends who insist on owning them, that I like cats.

• In addition, I would quit making remarks about how the best place for cats is cuddled up next to a bunch of stones in a burlap sack at the bottom of the San Diego River.

• I would respond in a most heartfelt-regretful manner to hate mail from cat lovers.

• I would donate the proceeds of every future column to the Feral Cat Coalition.

• (Ha ha ha ha ha— yeah, right. That totally isn’t a resolution I would ever make. Fuck the Feral Cat Coalition.)

• I would swear less.

• Rather than secretly enjoying the melancholy for the angst-riddled teenage days of a simple country girl mocked by cheerleaders, I would change the dial on my car radio whenever a Taylor Swift song is played.

• I would put more money away for my daughter’s future.

• I wouldn’t regale the telemarketer from the Democratic National Committee with an itemized list of reasons why I’ll never donate another penny to the Democrats while also antagonizing her with repeated requests for a donation to my child’s college fund.

• I would simply hang up on her instead.

• I wouldn’t hold a grudge against our college neighbors for taking the parking space directly in front of our house.

• I would buy only one pair of shoes all year. OK, probably two. It’s good to be realistic when writing resolutions.

• I would believe in unicorns and the fundamental goodness in all humans, even greedy bankers and those who shop at Michael’s—like the woman in front of me this past holiday season who waited until her subtotal flashed on the cash register before holding up the entire check-out line while a manager procured for her the green spray paint she forgot to grab.

• I wouldn’t, in such situations as the one above, take a photo of the annoying person hemming-and-hawing over which hue of spray paint to purchase, send it to my only Christian friend and tell her she was right, there is a hell after all and it is called Michael’s.

• I would resolve to never set foot in a Michael’s again.

• I would give my husband more blowjobs. The annual birthday / anniversary / Christmas schedule really is phoning it in.

• If I did that, I bet I could revise my previous shoe resolution to one purchase a week.

• I would definitely, definitely hang the oversized glass dreidel ornament from my mother-in-law on the Christmas tree, front and center, before her arrival, instead of keeping it packed away “in case of breakage.”

• I would not let more than four weeks pass between bikini waxes. Oy, the suffering that could be avoided.

Cat lovers, sit on your fingers. Everyone else can write to and

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