Fred Phelps is right

First, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way. Fred Phelps is, in fact, a toadfucker. Ditto his family, his friends and all the assphibian followers of his Westboro Baptist Church, who deserve to be repeatedly dunked in the deepest, scaldingest lava pit in Hell if Hell actually existed.

You’ve heard of Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), right? This is the organization that despises homosexuality so much that the URL to its website is GodHatesFags.com. They believe The Lord is punishing America because we “enable” homosexual behavior. They’ve made a name for themselves picketing the funerals of people like Coretta Scott King (a revolting effort), Mathew Shepard (sickening), the victims of the Sago mine disaster (sickening and silly), Mr. Rogers (WTF?!), Ronnie James Dio (well, that makes sense) and Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder—not because he was gay (he wasn’t), but because the WBC believes soldiers, by virtue of their enlistment, further enable America’s enabling of homosexuality, so God smite him.

With picket signs like “U.S. Fag Army” and “Thank God for Dead Soldiers,” WBC has really proven itself to be out of its mother-lovin’ skull! But get this: As gnat-shit crazy as Westboro Baptist Church is, it isn’t one iota more deranged than any other church—certainly not more so than the Roman Catholic Church, nor the United Methodists, the Evangelical Lutherans, the Mormons, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and the rest.

Just check the chatterdome—the TV talk shows, talk radio, Internet and all the other forums in which these WBC pickets are being discussed. Observe how many religious-types are denouncing WBC, saying that the church isn’t representing the word of God, that picketing soldiers’ funerals is against The Lord’s wishes and that Jesus loves and forgives homosexuals—which is every bit as insane as the insanity Phelps is spewing. Because they’re all doing the same thing: They’re all acting as if they know what God wants or thinks. And you know what? It’s actually the Westboro Baptist Church, and not the more mainstream churches, that has the better grasp on what God wants or thinks. A quick look at the Bible will prove it.

“[B]ut the same day that Lot went out of Sodom, it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed.” Luke 17

You hear that, people? God murdered every living being in Sodom and Gomorrah (infants included) because some of them were wicked. And, he’s about to do it again—to us! Indeed, The Lord Thy Father is every bit the barbarian Fred Phelps says he is. Check it out: God murdered Judah’s son for no stated reason. God murdered Lot’s wife for committing the terrible sin of looking back. God brought a seven-year famine to the entire planet. God recommends the death penalty for the owners of disobedient oxen. God sends babies to Hell who haven’t been baptized. God drowned everyone on the planet except Noah and his family. God killed Nick Drake, yet Celine Dion lives on. God will let a serially murdering, corpse-dismembering, cannibalistic monster into Heaven if he confesses on his deathbed, yet will send an African aboriginal to Hell for never having heard of Jesus. And, of course, all through the Bible are quotes from God in which he reveals a murderous hatred toward homosexuals. Clearly, if there is a God, and the Bible is his Word, then the Westboro Church is right about what it preaches.

The same is true of extremists in other religions, too. Muslim fundamentalist terrorists, for instance, have correctly interpreted the Koran as being hostile toward nonbelievers of the Muslim faith. “Kill them wherever you find them,” it says, which, I would argue, means you’re not a good Muslim if you’re not running around killing infidels all the time. Ditto the Bible and Christians. Sure, there are plenty of quotes in the Bible about God being the loving Father and protector and all that, but they are rendered obsolete by all his rampaging and city-smiting. Put another way, it doesn’t matter how many blind and crippled people you healed when you have even one apocalyptic plague on your record. Take the Plague of Death to Firstborn Sons, for instance.

“Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well.” Exodus 12:29

Wow! God really is an all-round sumbitch. He certainly isn’t very nice to bovines. And while he may condemn abortion, he apparently isn’t all that opposed to killing kids after they’re born. Anyway, the point is, all WBC is doing is parroting the Bible as it’s written. Naturally, I happen to think the Bible—as it’s written—is a pile of oxen shit, which is why I get to call the WBC an insane bunch of toadfuckers, while anyone who believes the Bible to be the true word of God, does not.    

Write to ed@sdcitybeat.com and editor@sdcitybeat.com. Reserve your seat for the Rapture at edwindecker.com.