“I know you’d like to thank your shit don’t stank, but lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like poo-poo.”—Outkast’s André 3000
The June 8 primary is finally upon us, and now it’s time for T&B’s political theater critics to release a midterm report. Here are the top five turd-winners and blossom-bringers.
1. Carly Fiorina, Republican candidate for U.S. Senate (3,635 turds). Fiorina raked in the turds with “Demon Sheep” and “Boxer Blimp,” her buffoonish YouTube videos that always backfired.
2. Jay LaSuer, Republican candidate for San Diego County sheriff (3,347.27 turds). LaSuer has two problems: Immigrants and money. He earned turds for misplaced signs at a May Day rally and a few thousand more because he couldn’t explain the accounting problems that put his campaign in the red.
3. Darrell Issa, Republican incumbent Congress member (1503 turds, including one log big enough to cover a 12-mile barrier island). Just because a politician’s seat is safe doesn’t mean it’s OK for him to stop campaigning at home. Turds went to Issa for entertaining lobbyists on boat trips and at Eagles concerts.
4. Mary Salas / Juan Vargas, Democratic candidates for state Senate (526 / 61 turds). Vargas and Salas are grouped together because we jointly awarded them a donkey’s intestine’s worth of manure for a scuffle that broke out at a campaign event.
5. Francine Busby, Democratic candidate for Congress (60 turds). The underwhelming challenger to Rep. Brian Bilbray refused to reveal the names of the campaign supporters who sent her checks for her birthday.
1. Jay LaSuer, Republican candidate for San Diego County sheriff (251 blossoms). Of all the candidates in local races, LaSuer picked up the biggest, out-of-town endorsement: Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, the right-wing hero at the right-wing time.
2. Republican Party of San Diego County (153 blossoms, including a 20-foot-tall sunflower). Whether it was their social media presence or their courtroom victories over sample-ballot mailers, the Republicans scored big under Chair Tony Krvaric’s leadership.
3. Steve Whitburn, Democratic candidate for county Supervisor (36 blossoms). We tossed a double-sized bouquet at Whitburn simply for admitting that he’s a former reporter, then an extra dozen when we spotted him at a restaurant learning about transit.
4. Brian Bilbray, Republican incumbent Congress member (30 blossoms). After alienating Hispanic voters with silly lines about what shoes immigrants wear, Bilbray came back with a national media blitz, much of which was dedicated to building consensus with progressives.
5. Felipe Hueso, Democratic City Council District 8 candidate (13 blossoms). Any candidate who stands up for the rights of transgendered octogenarian flashers deserves special recognition.
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