Driving sideways

Vin Diesel is fast, furious and
flat broke
There are plenty of reasons Vin Diesel wants you to go see Fast & Furious, the latest incarnation of the street-racing franchise and his first appearance since the 2001 original, The Fast & the Furious. Sure, the new movie has crazy-ass driving, lovely ladies in skimpy outfits, pimped-out cars in colors rarely seen by the human eye and a reunion of the original’s principal players—including Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster. But those reasons pale in comparison with Diesel’s desperate need for your attendance. The guy may be fast and furious, but he’s also broke.

“Bernie Madoff cost me my Chronicles of Riddick paycheck,” Diesel reveals in a joint interview with his co-star, Walker. “They might take my house. And my boat. You just can’t kick a global financial crisis’ ass, no matter how tough you are.

“Look, I’m an action star. I punch people in the face,” he continues. “And huge action stars don’t always read the fine print.”

In the new film, Diesel reprises the tough-guy role of Dominic Toretto, a hoodlum wheelman with a heart of gold, but in real life, Diesel doesn’t even try to hide how hard the last few years have been. He was in San Diego last weekend promoting the movie—by wearing a sandwich board on a Downtown street corner. While in town, he crashed on the couches of people he found on craigslist and paid them in promotional materials from past movies—stuff he planned to hawk on e-Bay. Walker, meanwhile, was coincidentally in San Diego on vacation, staying in a posh suite at the W Hotel.

 “When you’re on top, you never think it’ll end,” Diesel says. “I figured the gravy train would keep on rollin’. It’s been tough. I can barely catch a cold in Hollywood these days, much less an action franchise.”

But, he says, his financial straits shouldn’t keep fans from remembering the original F&F was important in its way. “I mean, we had a multiethnic cast back when all the good guys in the movies were white.”

“Um, I’m white, Vin,” Walker interrupts.

“Shut the fuck up, Paul. No one’s talking to you,” Diesel barks. “Like I was saying, we had this group of mixed nationalities driving these kick-ass cars. We were bad guys, but we were also the good guys, right? Really, the only bad guys were the truckers, and they were good guys, too. Well, and the Asians—they were the bad guys. At least that’s how I remember it. But we have an Asian guy directing this one, so it evens out, right? Christ, I need people to go to this movie.”

“Actually, I was a cop in the first one,” Walker interjects. “A white cop. And I was the lead. I mean, I was a white-good-guy good guy.”

“Jesus, Walker, shut up,” Diesel chirps. “No one gives a shit what you think.”

“Look, I may be desperate, but they were desperate to get me back into the franchise,” he says, gesturing toward his co-star. “Texas Ranger over here couldn’t open an Albertson’s.”

“Texas Ranger? Is that a joke about my name?” Walker asks. “Actually, we did the same thing in 2 Fast, 2 Furious, the sequel. Vin wasn’t in that one, but I teamed with Tyrese, a black convict, to take down a Latino drug dealer. That really took the lessons we learned in the first one a step further. You get it? I’m white. He’s black. We’re both good guys, taking on a bad guy—who’s Latino, but played by Cole Hauser, a white guy, so no one would get the wrong idea. It’s more accessible, right?”

“Seriously, get the hell out of the room, Paul,” Diesel commands. At that, Walker leaves, but not before shooting Diesel a mean look, pausing to grab a bottle of Evian and muttering something about a lobster dinner.

“Look, I don’t want to lie to you,” Diesel says, clearly exhausted. “This movie is awesome and everything, but I need the money. You remember that guy I played, Riddick, who sees in the dark? Me, I don’t like the dark much, and they’re about to turn out the lights at my house. I don’t want to go back to bouncing, you get what I’m saying? So go see the movie and then buy the DVD. For god’s sake, please, go see the movie.”

He takes a moment, leaning back, looking much like the poster for Find Me Guilty, his 2006 ill-advised attempt to legitimize himself as a legitimate actor.

“Seriously. Do you want my kids to go hungry?” Diesel says.

Vin Diesel has no children.    

This story is total bunk. None of it’s true. It’s satire—get it? Happy April Fool’s Day.