SORDID TALES by Edwin Decker

I've decided to boycott the Dixie Chicks. You can count me in along with thousands of their former fans and dozens of radio stations across the country that are refusing to play or buy Dixie Chicks' music.

They are boycotting because singer Natalie Maines said she was “ashamed” of President Bush during a concert in London last week, and that pisses them off on three counts: 1) They are angry about What Natalie Maines said (insulted a sitting President), 2) When she said it (during wartime) and 3) Where it was said (on foreign soil).

Of course, that's not why I want to boycott Dixie Chicks. I don't give a flaming tortoise turd when, where or what Natalie Maines said about the President of the United States. She could have been sitting on the roof of Saddam Hussein's Euphrates River Palace with a transmitter and a microphone, announcing to the world that George Bush is a demon who regularly dines on little children with a light vinaigrette, and I still wouldn't give a tortoise turd, flaming or otherwise. And frankly it amazes me that anyone ever does care about what anybody ever has to say ever about anyone else.

Nope, I do not boycott for what she said. I boycott for what she said afterward. She apologized.

It happens over and again-some public figure says something that they feel is true in their deepest heart of all hearts, then somebody else is offended by that statement and demands an apology, or a boycott, or whatever, then the public figure apologizes for their comments, then the people who demanded the apology in the first place complain that the apology was not sincere enough and you can see what a circumlocutional tar pit the whole thing is.

Natalie Maines released a sorry-ass statement to the press about how sorry she was, and that she was just “frustrated” by the looming war and Please, please, please won't everyone just start buying my records again like the mindless cattle you once were. I just find the whole thing revolting because she meant what she said when she said it and she's only apologizing now to stop the hemorrhaging; the result being the stiflers of free speech claim yet another victory and That. Just. Plain. Sucks. because this is exactly how the mainstream bludgeons the ideas of the minority.

You said it. You meant it. Don't apologize for it-whatever it was.

One of my bartender co-workers makes a good argument in favor of Maines' apology. He says, in essence, that there are millions of dollars at risk. There are hundreds of employees, contractors, investors and everyone else sucking off her beautiful, chubby tit to consider.

“Wouldn't you apologize with all that at stake?” he asked.

“No, I would not,” I answered. Here's why:

1) The damage is done. Her position is known. Nobody will believe an apology anyway.

2) Notoriety does not hurt the Dixie Chicks. That glitzy, girly, over-produced mascara bullshit image they call Dixie could use a blemish or two. Hell, throw in a binge, a temper tantrum, a string of one-night stands and a couple of on-stage vomit-fests and the Dixie Chicks might have an image that somewhat resembles country music.

3) Notoriety does not hurt record sales-not in the long run anyway. For every ass who is assy enough to boycott their CD for the controversy there's another ass assy enough to buy it for the same reason.

4) Finally, if the goal is to make the boycott disappear, then the best thing to do is say nothing. Adding comments only fuels the debate and become more fodder for your enemies.

You said it. You meant it. Don't apologize. Don't let the mainstream bludgeon your ideas.

So this is my boycott. Until Natalie Maines says sorry for her sorry-ass sorry, I will not be purchasing anything with the Dixie Chicks logo. It's a travesty they even call themselves “chicks.” Grace Slick is a chick. Joan Jett is a chick. Karen Finley is a chick. Wendy O. Williams, Janeane Garofalo, Sissy Hankshaw, Joan of Arc, Scott Stapp-chick, chick, chick, chick and chick. I have known many a chick in my day, Ms. Maines, and you, dear, are no chick. Because a chick would be all, “Yeah, I said it, so what?”

A chick would say, “Go ahead, ban my records-I need the press, bitch!” A chick would call her next album Lick Bush and Suck Ashcroft. A chick would appear on The Factor and go knee to knee with Bill O'Reilly and say, “Yo, Billy, free speech is a goddam right afforded by my maker, so I do not recognize the authority of you, or anyone else, to tell me where, when or what opinions I am permitted to express, so suck on my chubby left tit.”

A chick would defend her position-but only a pussy would apologize.

So this is my sacrifice. I know, I know, boycotting Dixie Chicks is like boycotting exploding pepper anal plugs, but I stand firm: if she does not apologize for her offensive apology, I will never buy a Dixie Chicks record, or see a Dixie Chicks concert, or return any Dixie Chicks phone calls or patronize the Dixie Chicks' label. I will never again as long as I live sing, say, spit, hum or whistle Dixie. I won't drink from Dixie Cups, or cross the Mason-Dixon line, nor listen to Willie Dixon, or Mojo Nixon, or read Anne Sexton, or watch the Sixers...

That'll teach that Dixie Vixen.