The Vintage & Handmade Market So they went ahead and moved Jesus. It is a sad day.
www.Jesus.com was the Internet address for some kooky dude from Washington D.C. who claims to be Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
When you visit his home page, you see a glowing, soft-focus photo of a tall, slim, white Jesus-type guy, dressed in traditional white Jesus-robe, with a long thin Jesus-face and rays of golden sunlight illuminating the periphery of his long, flowing, sandy-brown Jesus-hair.
Basically, Jesus.com is a personal ad for Christ. (“Jesus seeks loving woman in her twenties who wishes to live in the spirit of the eternal.”) You can click on a link to Date Jesus. Or you can click on Bathe with Jesus and see pictures of the Son of God in a tub, rubbing soap suds on his chest with a caption that reads, “Jesus loves suds,” or best of all, you can peruse Jesus' mailbag.
There are hundreds of letters in Jesus' mailbag, and they all boil down to three basic types:
1. Letters of Shock: Such as this tirade from Hunter, “I hope you rot in Hell for mocking our Lord.”
2. Letters of Anger: “Dear ‘You sick fuck head,' if I ever see you I'm gonna rip your fucking heart out and nail it to my wall.”
3. Letters Containing Impotent Legal Threats: “I have reported this to my attorney [and] suggest you take this site down within 24 hours.”
This is the reason I love Jesus.com so much. It is a barb in every Christian's eyeball. Because, somehow, against fantastic odds, this loveable little independent heretic managed to beat out thousands of big-time Christian organizations, and billions of individual Christians across the globe, to one of the most highly coveted domain names of the Jesus movement: www.jesus.com.
So you might imagine my dismay when I decided to visit Jesus.com today, only to find him gone and this message left in his cyberwake: “Jesus is moving on. The website you have come to love can now be found at www.Datejesus.com.... For various reasons, www.Jesus.com will soon have entirely different management and content.”
Any idiot can read between those lines. Jesus sold out. Some fat-cat ministry offered Jesus a steeple-full of cash to buy his site because they could no longer tolerate the thought of Christ rubbing soapsuds all over his naked chest.
Yup, Jesus sold out; and now some Pat Robertson-like turd will turn Jesus.com into one of those creepy “In-the-beginning-was-the-Word-and-the-Word-was-God”-type sites.
Anyway, the whole thing took me to wondering, “Who owns the holy domain name or our lord the King of Kings?” So I typed in www.God.com, and guess what it said. It said, “The page you requested does not exist.”
My first thought was, “Holy Jesus freaking Christ, it's still available? I have got to buy that domain right now!” Imagine the havoc that could be wrought on www.God.com? I would turn it into the home page of the heresiarch and publish something so vile all the Bible ministries across the globe would pool every cent they collectively own to buy me out, thus delivering a fatal, financial blow to organized Christianity and finally putting an end to all their monumental silliness.
Oh, how excited I was. But excitement quickly became despair when I realized, “Oh, duh. There is just no way God.com is still available. Surely somebody owns it by now. Whoever it is, they're probably just sitting on it.”
One phone call to Network Solution confirmed my fears: Somebody is squatting on God.
There's must be a special place in Hell for squatting on the Oversoul. Squatting God's holy domain is like buying all the real estate in Heaven and raising rent on the Angels. Anyway, whoever is squatting on The Father right now is screwed because he doesn't negotiate with cyber terrorists.
