“Dear Mr. Decker, after doing an [Internet] search on ‘the real' Ed Decker, I stumbled onto your website and I must say, as a Christian, I find you and your work to be quite offensive.”
I received the above e-mail today. I've been getting letters like this from all over the country for about two years now. They started arriving shortly after my website debuted on the Internet. At first, I couldn't explain how all these people were finding my website, why so many were Christians and just who is this “Real Ed Decker” they kept referring to?
Then I received an e-mail from a disgruntled, long-time reader of my column who said that he had visited www.eddecker.com and was disgusted to learn what was there.
“You portray yourself as this advocate for atheism, but then I go to your website to find out you're just another Jesus slut, pushing the word of God!”
I had no idea what he was talking about, and my website is not Eddecker.com-it's Edwindecker.com. So I typed in www.eddecker.com to see what was there, and sure as God can't crap in a regular-sized toilet, there was another Ed Decker out there.
Yup, Eddecker.com is the official home page of “Saints Alive in Jesus,” the evangelical ministry of Ed Decker-a world-renowned writer and preacher who has written hundreds of books, articles, documentaries and pamphlets, mostly aimed at denouncing Mormonism, Freemasonry, Islam and other, as he puts it, “false teachings.”
Decker is almost 70 years old and has been at it for decades. His work is so prevalent on the Internet that if you conduct a Google search on “Ed Decker,” you will get 178,000 hits-177,990 of which are hyperlinks to his kooky shit. My puny website only justifies about 10 hits. Thankfully though, links to my website have a tendency to stand out from his:
Google Search Results for “Ed Decker”
1. “Ministry of Saints Alive In Jesus” (www.SaintsAlive.com).
2. “The God Makers” (www.giveshare.org).
4. “Jesus loves you yes he does” (www.eddecker.com)
5. Lick, suck, fornicate, lust, blow me, I dig Satan and other love stories (www.edwindecker.com).
Anyway, as a joke, I added Pastor Decker's link to my website. It says, “Meet the evil opposite of me in the alternate universe.” Shortly after, I received an e-mail from none other than the infamous Pastor himself.
Thus began the short and snippy correspondence between two writer-preacher men named Ed Decker: one, a world-renowned crusader for Christ. The other, an obscure local advocate for drink, drugs, heresy and sexual recklessness.
“Dear Edwin Decker,” wrote the Pastor, “someone sent me your URL and asked if I had another life as my evil otherself. So you're a bartender, eh? Not exactly Jesus' work.
Regards, E. Decker.”
“Dear E. Decker-I don't think Jesus disapproves of bartending. Jesus was a wino. Everybody knows that. Not that I care what the son of God thinks. All the religion I need is packed inside the throwing arm of Mariano Rivera. So, which species of ‘Ed' are you? You strike me as an ‘Edward'-testy and stubborn-just like your God.
Sincerely, The Heathen.”
“Dear Heathen-Yes, I'm an Edward. So is my son, Edward Decker Junior. He is 42, still single, lives in Oregon, runs a summer river rafting business and hangs out at atheist sites like yours. So, it seems writing is in the DNA of the Deckers. My great-grandmother was a writer, my father was a writer, I write... my sister writes some, but she is a commiepinkoliberalleftoffarleftloverofJesseJackson and she invalidates every single ballot vote I ever cast.
“Dear Edward-I am agnostic, not atheist. I believe there is as much chance that mankind was created by an invisible deity in the sky as I do that we were created by a floating, omnipotent butternut squash. And, while I agree, saving people from the dastardly grasp of the cult of Mormonism is a boss idea, dragging them into the dastardly grasp of Christianity is not. Oh well, out of the frying pan, into the friar.
All the best, Edwin.”
No response. No toodle-loos. Just dead air.
Such was the abrupt conclusion of the infamous Decker/Decker letters.
It was not, however, the last of the angry e-mails. To this day, I receive e-mails from my faithful readers, who think I'm running some sort of double life. They think the real me is that goofy pastor and that my depraved website is actually a decoy to draw unbelievers to God's holy homepage.
To this day I receive correspondence from certain followers of Saints Alive in Jesus, telling me, in effect, that I should shut down my website if I don't want to avoid eternal damnation. I always tell them, “Look pal, Satan is my webmaster, so click a link and go to Hell.”