SUMMER GUIDE

How to feel old (and slightly depressed)

So, you managed to get out of college in one piece and you've held down a steady job for three consecutive years. Sure, Thirsty Thursday is now referred to as laundry night, and Flippy-Cup Friday is now spent grocery shopping, but you're still “with it,” right?

That's arguable, but one thing's for sure: you are no longer young. Don't believe me? Then head out to some of the following shows and witness the hundreds of kids in attendance, all who are at least five years your junior.

SOMA has a constant stream of all-age shows headed its way at all times, and this summer is no exception. Flogging Molly, Arctic Monkeys, Authority Zero, Sick of it All, MC Lars, Further Seems Forever, Bayside, Fall of Troy and October Fall are all coming to entertain the Skittles 'n' Red Bull crowd.

Further north, the Epicentre has more all-ages fun in store with standouts Kill Hannah, My American Heart, The Fiery Furnaces (who're playing with super freaks Man Man), Silversun Pickups and Gatsby's American Dream.

Over at UCSD's Che Café, things get real esoteric with electronic noisemakers Quintron and Miss Pussycat, San Diego's non-stop drone-rockers Earthless, plus Seven Year Rabbit Cycle (ex-Deerhoof) and cutesy pop act Tilly and the Wall, who're signed to Conor Oberst's tiny empire, Team Love Records.

NOFX, Less Than Jake, Anti-Flag, Rise Against, Saves the Day, and roughly 50 other bands will make the parking lot at Coors Amphitheatre real loud on July 6 at the Vans Warped Tour. Of course, this show falls on a Thursday, so go ahead and take care of those lights and darks on Wednesday.

Then to redeem yourself, hit Street Scene at Qualcomm Stadium on Aug. 4 and 5. That way you'll be able to see that countless old people like yourself still dig hanging out with youngsters to see a good concert. Although the official lineup hasn't been announced, early confirmations include The Editors, The Futureheads, G. Love and Special Sauce, Bad Religion, Tapes N Tapes, Bedouin Soundclash, Michael Franti & Spearhead and Matchbook Romance.

-Will Fresch

How to ensure that unwanted lover dumps you

Getting a little tired of your significant other and looking for an easy way out? Just drag your least-favorite girlfriend or boyfriend along with you to these four shows and he or she is certain to delete you from his/her life in record time.

Start off with a little Slayer at the Sports Arena (only the wimpiest of non-Satan-worshippers refer to it as the ipayOne Center). Bonus points if you get in a fight in the mosh pit. Super bonus points if you wear a Cosby sweater to the show, which has been bedazzled with an actual Bedazzler.

Significant other still hanging around? Throw on that black Slayer hoodie you bought at the show and take him/her to see Linda Ronstadt on June 7 at Humphrey's. Bonus points if you can sing (or yell) along to any of her songs. You may want to provoke a fight with a retired schoolteacher, social worker or nurse, if the opportunity arises.

And if your unwanted pal still hasn't taken the hint, don that Linda Ronstadt T-shirt you bought for $45 and attend the GWAR show (location TBA) on July 28. All potential venues are likely making sure they have enough Formula 409 to clean the place up, which will undoubtedly be doused with fake pink blood. If the unwanted lover is still around after this psychotic trinity of shows, he or she obviously has no other dating options. So dump 'em anyhow.

-Dryw Keltz

How to pretend Bill Clinton's still in office

If you miss the days when flannel was fashionable, Jerry Springer was real and the worst thing the president lied about was a blow job, then there are plenty of shows this summer to get you nostalgic. vThe biggie, of course, is Pearl Jam, who are back in ravenous form after a decade-long lull. Better late than never. They always bring it live, plus they have Sonic Youth opening at Cox Arena on July 7. Last year, Fiona Apple made her best album yet and even somehow managed to not have a meltdown. But 2006 is a new year, and last time I checked, the world is still bullshit. Stay tuned (June 23, SDSU Open Air Theatre).

If there was ever a ba.nd that did not need to make a double album, it's the Red Hot Chili Peppers (Aug. 22, San Diego Sports Arena). Let's just hope they don't pull a Pink Floyd and play the album cover to cover. If you were more of an adult-alternative sort, you can get more bang for your buck at Big Head Todd & The Monsters and Toad the Wet Sprocket (Aug. 23, Humphrey's). And if it's more suck for your buck you want, there's always Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls (June 29, Coors Amphitheatre). “Isis” and “Round Here” on the same night? Rock 'n' roll dreams really do come true.

-Seth Combs

How to geek out to indie rap

Indie hip-hop fans have a problem: It's all good lamenting the big-money politics of “the industry,” slamming the Bush administration and nodding your head to the righteous flows of your favorite socially conscious rapper. But how do you dance to those wack nickel-and-dime beats? Enter Spank Rock at The Casbah on June 12, the pride of a prep school somewhere in Baltimore. With a page lifted from the DFA playbook, DJ/producer Armani XXXchange cranks out waves of 808 synth over drum loops and massive, subterranean bass lines while MC Naeem Juwan (aka Spank Rock) raps semi-coherently about sex, Rick Rubin and more sex.

Blackalicious (Belly Up, June 7) sticks to more old-school aesthetics, but they've made the most of it. With the traditional one MC/one DJ setup, the duo's sound has gotten both tighter and more adventurous, crafting a heady boom-bap full of sick grooves and complicated lyrical structures.

Compton's DJ Quik (House of Blues, June 17) is no indie rapper. Frankly, he's not much of a rapper, but he's one of the dopest producers in the game-the guy who gets love from the indie crowd while hawking beats to the likes of Game and Snoop. Quik's silky, new-era G-Funk is as smooth as anything this side of Dr. Dre. Hopefully the vocals will be low in the mix.

Diplo (Casbah, Aug. 12) is a Florida native that put Hollertronix on the map, cranking out thick, guttural mash-ups with Low Budget. He also pounded out the beats for some of M.I.A's breakthrough material-a manic blend of dub, funk and dance pop. He even recorded a sprawling instrumental debut based on a Faulkner novel.

-Martin Woodside

How to do a club night right

There's nothing worse than wasting a night out. You get all riled up, dressed up and maybe even coked up, then you head out for a good time, only to be severely disappointed by an overcrowded (or under-crowded) bar/club with overpriced drinks and painfully bad music. It's enough to make you want to hang up your come-fuck-me duds forever. CityBeat wants to prevent that from happening. Here are a few suggestions for tried-and-true club nights worth checking out:

Borders Collapse: For live laptop and DJ sets of underground electronic music-anything from indietronica to electro clash-imported from across the frontera, Borders Collapse is the place to be. The most recent event included a mix of Mexican and American DJs, including El Poeta, La Idra, Fara and Wero. Borders Collapse happens every fourth Saturday of the month at Kadan, 4696 30th St. in North Park. Visit www.elpoeta.org.

Rewind 68: Cramming fashion, music and art into one night, Rewind 68 is a new event geared toward those who are sick of the same old. Held every first Thursday of the month at the San Diego Art Institute's Museum of the Living Artist, 1439 El Prado in Balboa Park, the night features whatever exhibition happens to be hanging on the museum walls, trunk shows and merch booths by local designers, a full bar, guest DJs and the Orange Kiss a Go Go Girls. The cover charge ranges anywhere from $5 to $15 depending on the DJ.

Transport: This one's an oldie but goodie. Every first and third Saturday of the month at the Whistle Stop Bar, 2236 Fern St. in South Park, DJs Gabe Vega and Saul spin the best in Britrock, indie-rock, electro and new wave. The music is so damn good, hipsters don't just stand around lookin' all cool and forlorn like they do at The Casbah; they actually dance. Visit www.trans portsd.com.

-Kinsee Morlan

How to prove you have horrific taste in music

Crappy musicians touring en masse during summer is almost as American as a peroxide blonde with orange skin wearing a star-spangled thong bikini. From American Idols, American wash-ups, to the actual band America, they all know that during the warm months, people are desperate to have a good time. As if the sun being out somehow makes Air Supply less shitty.

American Idolaters Bo Bice (June 14, San Diego County Fair) and Carrie Underwood (July 3, San Diego County Fair) sure know their demographic. No matter who won on the show, their suck value remains equal. Most singers would never get a nose job because of the risks to their voice. But ever the maverick, Ashlee Simpson finally got her beak fixed. I doubt it could make her singing worse (June 8, Viejas Park).

If you're in the mood for washed-up bands, you can always check out the new and disproved INXS (June 21, Embarcadero Marina Park South), or the tasteless New Cars (May 23, Viejas Park). Both bands are proving with every show that original lead singers are crucial. There's also the '90s two-hit wonders Smashmouth (June 28, San Diego County Fair) and Lifehouse (June 29, San Diego County Fair). And I don't know how many original members are still in Air Supply (Aug. 24, Humphrey's) or America (June 30, Humphrey's), and I don't really care. Nothing short of Bob Dylan himself singing “Every Woman in the World” or “All Out of Love” would make it tolerable.

The point is that if you're feeling masochistic this summer, or you're just trying to get your significant other to break up with you, go to these shows. You will be disappointed.

-Seth Combs

How to get drunk without having to sit next to a 'Zonie

Let's face it. Every summer we San Diegans look forward to walking outside to take in the splendor that Mother Nature has bestowed upon our lucky little lives, and every summer we're bombarded by the unholy buzz and squelch expelled by the annoying little beast that is the tourist. These goofballs are everywhere-in our restaurants, at the beach, making out with our girlfriends. It's madness, and you need to find an escape while they blow their money on Governator T-shirts and $10 Fauxkleys. What better way to melt away your angst and anger toward your fellow man than by getting sauced at a local watering hole-one where he would never think to find you?

There are a number of local haunts with dark doorways and a lack of Mai Tai specials that touristy types will avoid. The Nite Owl in Pacific Beach is good for those looking to retreat into the darkest of dark beach bars, and the Arizona Club and Pacific Shores in Ocean Beach offer similar exile from the sunburned masses. The Aero Club on India Street offers a great selection of beers and is close enough to the freeway for those not in the know to stupidly dismiss it as a shitty little watering hole for career drunks and off-the-clock hookers. The San Diego Sports Club on University has lots of pool tables and no sunlight and the Whistle Stop Bar in South Park is the hipster's refuge for good drinks and no lame-asses. This summer, instead of fighting the crowds, take a deep breath and enjoy a frosty beverage in the comfort of your own barstool without being puked on by a sophomore from Arizona State.

-Jim Ballew

How to make pops happy on Father's Day

Just because your dad's over the hill doesn't mean he's lost the ability to shred air guitar. Unlike his hair, or even his libido, his desire to rock has not disappeared with age.

If he's into riffage while working on the car, you can't go wrong with Boz Scaggs (Aug. 1, Humphrey's) or The Doobie Brothers (Aug. 29, Humphrey's), and although Heart's Wilson sisters aren't much to look at these days, they still play “Barracuda” like it was written yesterday (June 22, San Diego County Fair). And as far as live performances go, you'd be hard-pressed to find old dudes who sound as good as Steely Dan (July 24, Embarcadero Marina South).

If he's more a Jack-FM kind of guy, it's hard to beat the technical posturing of Foreigner (Aug. 4, Humphrey's). Expect a set full of grandiose hits, and if pops wants to belt out “I Wanna Know What Love Is,” go ahead and let it slide. Beware The Beach Boys, though (Aug. 18-19, Humphrey's). It may be good for nostalgia, but with only two original members left, and no Brian Wilson, they may as well be called “The Boys” at this point.

All your dad's ever wanted was to be cool in your eyes. So this Father's Day, make up for the time you ate too many nachos and barfed in his vintage Camaro. Actually, you'll never make up for that. But he'll appreciate the effort.

-Seth Combs

How to get a tear in your beer

Sure, for the well-adjusted, summer is fun, sun and partying between tans. For others, it's just another reason not to get out of bed.

Unless, of course, you can make it to a dimly lit room to catch some sensitive singer-songwriter type like Josh Ritter (The Casbah, June 10). He's deep and sensitive, and he cites Mark Twain as a big influence for this latest and best album, The Animal Years. Recently, he's started fleshing out his strong acoustic tunes with more drums, Hammond organ and even the occasional sound effect. Another one who knows hurt is Mason Jennings (House of Blues, July 15). He strums an acoustic guitar, lives in America's heartland and counts Isaac Brock and Devendra Banhart among the admirers of his soft, sad-vocals acoustic songs.

If you actually want to venture outside, The Casbah brings a few haunted soloists, including Rocky Votolato (June 6), whose new album, Makers, is a stunner full of paranoia and heartbreak. Then on June 28, Jolie Holland and Sean Hayes, the former an ex-Be Good Tanya member who ditched the outfit for some stellar old-timey folk, the latter a stylistic soul mate who nearly stole the last show they played in San Diego together.

Also, after winning her battle with her major label, Fiona Apple is back at SDSU's Open Air Theatre on June 23. Li'l white girl's got oodles of tortured soul, and her cult will also appreciate her co-headliner, Damien Rice, an Irishman with a beautiful whisper of a voice and strange, minimalist folk songs. Brazilian acoustic soul man Seu Jorge will make you cry in Portuguese when the musician and actor (City of God, The Life Aquatic) brings his husky South American vibe and David Bowie covers to 'Canes on June 19.

And, finally, Humphrey's caters to inward-lookers with a bevy of artists, including Richard Thompson (June 19), an amazing guitarist and living-history of folk-rock who might even break out his dulcimer or his brilliant cover of Britney Spears “Oops!... I Did It Again”; everyone's favorite funky-looking country romantic, Lyle Lovett (July 16); and Rosanne Cash (Aug. 28), a famous offspring who recently lost both folks, making her new material on Black Cadillac an especially tear-jerking experience.

-Martin Woodside

How to see legends before they die

Death is a career killer, unless you're Jimi Hendrix, or Jim Morrison, or Kurt Cobain. OK, death doesn't end careers, but it will end your chances of seeing these legends live. Thanks to a patented CityBeat mixture of numerology, physiology, psychology and profound guesswork, we offer you a who-to-see hierarchy.

1. Dave Brubeck: Brubeck is the type of guy who's likely to live to 100. But century-old fingers aren't much use banging out block chords. Join hundreds of senior citizens in quietly celebrating a man who's written a dozen jazz standards (Aug. 20, Humphrey's).

2. James Brown: The godfather and grandfather of soul is only in his mid-70s, but performing at Brown's level screams hip replacement. Thankfully, Brown hasn't forgotten that his band is half the show and has a gang of musicians who grew up on Prince and Parliament (Sept. 2, 4th & B).

3. Bo Diddley: Diddley may be the most underrated rock 'n' roller of all time; of course, he'd never admit this. Diddley's ego is so big that he namechecks himself in most of his big songs. To be fair, it's hard not to have an ego when you're still going 50 years after helping invent rock 'n' roll (June 1, The Belly Up).

4. (Tie) Randy Newman and David Grisman: Both Newman (Aug. 9, Humphrey's) and Dawg (Aug. 8, The Belly Up) look a lot older than they are (63 and 61, respectively). Or maybe they just look more like real people and less like rock stars. Either way, it's time to see some old white guys throw down. Newman is losing his edge (one too many Toy Story royalty checks), but he can still play some great old-timey piano and insult the South better than anyone. Grisman's chops are intact, but, sadly, it's only a matter of time. See him before his playing devolves into self-parody like his friend Jerry on the last few Dead tours.

-Jed Gottlieb

How to be a certified scenester

Not sure you're a scenester? Well, go to the CityBeat website, type “Are you a scenester?” into the search box and take our quiz. But if you're still unsure, then your presence at more than half of the following shows could be indicative.

First, furthering the notion that the British have no taste whatsoever, there's Arctic Monkeys. This ultimately vapid band has a lot of buzz, so expect the crowd to be nothing but teenagers and nerdy music critic-lookin' types (June 2, Soma). You can expect the veteran scenester crowd to be out in full force for Gomez (May 20, House of Blues), Mountain Goats (June 15, The Casbah) and Built to Spill (June 27 House of Blues).

If you're the more “vintage Led Zeppelin shirt” type, then you're probably already on the list for Wolfmother (June 13, 'Canes) and Constantines (June 11, The Casbah) shows. Both buzz bands rock hard, so expect to do a little bit more than just cross your arms and stare. If you like to be “seen” shaking dat ass, then you might wanna see indie-electroclash DJ Felix Da Housecat (June 10, 4th & B) or indie-hip-hop upstarts Spank Rock (June 12, The Casbah).

But the biggest scenester draws will most likely be The Liars (June 2, The Casbah) and The Fiery Furnaces (June 17, The Epicentre). Both were once promising indie bands that now turn out only self-indulgent concept albums on their grandmother's sex life and the like. Expect a lot of Captain Beefheart-lovin' douche-bags. Type 'em all into your MySpace calendars kids!

-Seth Combs

How to live by the barter system

Screw capitalism. Let's return to America's roots-not the days of swapping blankets for beads, but the days of cleaning out your fridge and stash in search of a miracle.

Thanks to some heavy CityBeat NASDAQ analysis, we've nailed down the current exchange rates at these summer shows. While The Black Crowes (June 17, Viejas) are usually a weed-only band, remember that Drive By Truckers are opening, so bring along a dime bag and a couple of coolers full of PBR. Fans of George Clinton (May 24, House of Blues) don't care much for beverages, so try filling one of those dorky oversized Cat-in-the-Hat hats with peyote. Just be careful not to sweat, lest that stuff ooze into your pores while driving to the show. On second thought, you better just buy a ticket.

Dave Matthews (Aug. 26, Coors Amphitheatre) fans sure have changed-what used to get you two tickets now gets concert security on your ass. For a sure thing, bring along a couple of good bottles of Chardonnay, some aged goat cheese and a Lexus. If all you've got is the traditional weed, hemp jewelry and grilled-cheese sandwiches, you'd be best to stick to Widespread Panic (June 28, Embarcadero Marina), Blues Traveler (July 10, Humphrey's), Rusted Root (July 23, House of Blues) and Damian Marley (Aug. 13, Embarcadero Marina South).

-Jed Gottlieb

How to get in touch with your inner redneck

If that cover band that calls themselves Lynyrd Skynyrd isn't really cutting it for you, then you really only have one choice if you wanna break out that ridiculous belt buckle. The country music concert-where the only thing in the parking lot more prevalent than tailgaters is Bush/Cheney stickers on F-150s.

Let's start with the big guns. Rascal Flatts (July 22, Coors Amphitheatre) are the country version of *NSYNC. They sell a lot of records to women because they're a bunch of hit-making pretty boys who sing vacant and derivative drivel about getting their poor hearts broken. Lonestar (Aug. 13, Humphrey's) are basically Rascal Flatts 10 years later. The formula doesn't change with age, apparently. Then, there's the artist formerly known as Mr. Renee Zellweger, Kenny Chesney (June 18, Coors Amphitheatre). His music is awful, yet he has somehow managed to combine good-ol'-boy meanderings with a Jimmy Buffet-inspired beach-bum attitude. Who knew parrot-heads and mullet-heads had so much in common.

Some better shows include the always-inspired Randy Travis (Aug. 25, Viejas), who, like Lyle Lovett, seems to be getting better with age. Martina McBride's pro-woman brand of country will certainly please the cowgirl in your life (June 17, Embarcadero Marina). If you're looking for something more fun, check out San Diego's Johnny Cash cover band Cash'd Out (various dates, see www.cashdout.com). They're quickly becoming known across the country for the authenticity of their live shows. And with Cash-mania finally dying down a bit, now would be a perfect time to see them without a bunch of yuppies there. See you down the trail.

-Seth Combs