This guy

We have a pope. Or, as they say in Vaticanese, Habemus Papam.

I was so excited to learn that Pope JP2K had finally died. Yes, sure, he was a loveable guy and good-hearted and forgiving and all that, and I honestly had nothing against him personally, except for the fact that he was a hyper-conservative twit whose variorum of ideals was just plain bad for the planet.

So when JP Deuce died, I thought, thank Christ! Now the Catholic Church will elect a younger, more progressive pontiff and finally join the rest of us in the 21st freaking century by, you know, granting women and gays equal purchase and finally coming to realize that God doesn't give a good goddamn who puts condoms on their penises. All I can say is thank Christ those archaic days are over. Let's clang the bells of glory, Lord-there's a new papa in town and his name is... Huh? What's that? His name is Ratzinger?

As in Cardinal Ratzinger? This is the prick they chose to elect as pope? Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger from Germany? Wow, talk about a hardcore conservative. This guy is way out there. This guy is the über-cardinal. Compared to this guy, Pope John Paul seems like Al freaken Franken. He has zero tolerance when it comes to women, gays and contraception, and his demeanor is as arrogant as it is silly.

This is the guy who denounced rock music as being the work of the devil. This is the guy who said that American bishops should deny Communion to pro-choice Democrats. This is the guy who called Buddhism “a religion for the self-indulgent.” This is the guy who was against Turkey's bid to join the European Union because the endeavor “conflicted with Europe's Christian roots.” This is the guy the Germans call “God's Rottweiler.” This is the guy, this is the guy, this is so the guy: Habemus Prickum, people-we have a prick.

Prickum Benedictum 16

Normally, I wouldn't care about the inner workings at the Catholic Church, but this new pontiff business is too huge to ignore. So many millions of people worldwide buy into this bullshit that a papal changing of the guard can actually affect the quality of life on this planet. The most glaring example is the plight of Africans being decimated by AIDS, yet the church still refuses to endorse condoms, and my guess is that not until the virus defies Africa's natural borders and starts infecting outrageous numbers of white people will Pope Benedict XVI ever reconsider revoking the ban on condoms.

Which, of course, will be too late.

Hasn't this always been the Church's main problem? They are always decades, if not centuries, behind the times. I mean, humankind was remotely operating robots on Mars before the Church admitted that the sun is the center of the galaxy. Pope John Paul never even had an e-mail address. No e-mail! How can you be an effective leader of more than a billion Catholics across seven continents without e-mail? Oh sure, the Vatican finds it necessary to erect golden palaces and keep ivory statues and gaudy robes and a fleet of 20 Popemobiles-but free hotmail? “Nah, don't need that cyberdevil in our lives. We prefer the smoke-signal technology instead. You know, white smoke means We have Pope and black smoke means We no have Pope, and blue smoke means Popemobile burning oil-send mechanic quick.

This is why I hope against hope the new pope passes faster than I hoped the old pope would croak. And no I won't apologize for hoping on dead popes. Two-thirds of the Earth's population will be annihilated before XVI ever admits that condoms kick abstinence's ass when it comes to realistic birth and disease control.

Anyway, the new pope has a large job before him. Keeping the church from progressing into the modern age is an exhausting task. It takes diligence and courage and conviction and, most of all, organizational skills, which this pope has plenty of. You can tell by his to-do list. Yup, the new pope has a to-do list, and I just happen to have a copy. It's a CityBeat exclusive called:

Top Ten Items on the To-Do List of Pope Benedict XVI

10. Have driver's license changed from “Ratzinger” to “Benedict.”

9. New rims for Popemobiles.

8. Remodel Vatican dungeon. Replace damaged or rusty torture devices.

7. Remove phone taps and other secret listening devices from Ozzy Osbourne's home (can't understand what he's saying anyway).

6. Sign up for free e-mail. See if Asskicker_vicar@hotmail.com is still available.

5. Produce a child-molestation-awareness video to be viewed by all incoming priests. Possible title: “Father McDoogan Has Naughty Feelings.”

4. Apply for papal discount at Wal-Mart

3. Shackle Cardinal Bernard Law to newly painted dungeon wall. Let rats eat his toes.

2. Install phone taps and secret listening devices in Dan Brown's apartment. Reuse old bugs from Ozzy's pad.

1. Look into this AIDS thingy everyone keeps talking about. See if leeching doesn't help.