Message boarding

Ah, message boards-the neo-water cooler. I discovered the message board of local alternative rock station 92.1FM recently, and have compiled some scientific analysis.

More often than not, conversations in these micro-cultures devolve rather quickly into small talk and name-calling gibberish, much like the real world.

This “post session” was taken from 92/1FM's “Go Loco” message board, which is described as “Your source for all information on local music, venues and events”:

TOPIC: “Hip Hop?”

Analysis: One might think that an insider discussion on venues, artists and the state of San Diego's hip-hop union lies beneath this header.

Screen Name: Goddess of Uranus

Post: “Hip to the hop you don't stop a-rockin' to the beat of the boogiddy beeeeeeeee.”

Analysis: Famous quotes are often issued by posters to inspire what they call “riffing”-when other posters “riff” by with successive, complementary quotes. This quote comes from Def Squad's classic song, “Rapper's Delight.”

SN: Surfeatsleep

Post: “It's all about The Icons - Pounds of Respect. Wha wha...Icons in the HOUSE... *flashes some random gang sign*”

Analysis: This is either A) a local hip-hop fan throwing love to a favorite group, B) someone naming the only local hip-hop band they know in order to establish prowess or C) a member of the ICONS.

SN: Bored

Post: “Hip hop = gangs? Now you're saying that all black people are in gangs? White oppressor.”

Analysis: Politically correct boarder isolates racist, fires equally intolerant generalization in return.

SN: Surfeatsleep

Post: “No no...lemme explain myself. When I am going through some downtown neighborhood I get in the mood to bump The Icons as I'm rolling in my 93 gold & black Surburban. Before I owned it, this Suburban has been thru a gang war, high speed chase, and has bullet holes & knife-blade cuts all over the place. So it's only fitting...”

Analysis: Surfeatsleep suffers from “politically correct hypersensitivity” (PCH), a malady common among white rap fans who already feel as though, by listening to a traditionally black music, they are cultural trespassers who need to closely mind their Ps & Qs. A common symptom of PCH is an annoying need to explain oneself. Surprisingly, no one picks up on the stereotypical statement of “some downtown neighborhood.”

SN: Bored

Post: “Oh yeah, and I'll bet that some of your best friends are black too. Whatever, white devil. Go oppress somewhere else.”

Analysis: This move commonly referred to “getting someone's goat.” (Note: Bored has upgraded insult from “oppressor” to “devil”).

SN: Jane_Iree

Post: “Only the ignorant think of black people when they hear the word hip-hop..........why? Because they don't know SHIT.”

Analysis: Poster appears too obtuse to realize that Bored is just baiting Surfeatsleep. Since Bored no longer posts, it's apparent that he is turned off that a dolt like Jane_Iree is taking his side.

SN: Mattwater

Post: “How 'bout the hip hop rabbit because he's the bunny with all the money-“Rap Damage” (a film by Sonic Youth)”

Analysis: Boarder's tactic is known as “redirection,” introducing an unrelated topic to redirect a superficial post session. In this case, Mattwater is referring to Rap Damage (In Search Of The Hip Hop Rabbit), an indie film lampooning hip hunters starring Thurston Moore and Maurice Menares. The citation, of course, reveals Mattwater himself as a hip hunter.

SN: Surfeatsleep

Post (in response to Jane_Iree): “JERK. Shut up.”

Analysis: Discourse and wit often devolve into one- to two-word missives (which, of course, are a hoot).

SN: Norman

Post: “Black people smell funny.”

Analysis: Ire-invoking, nonsensical statement-another common board strategy. Notice “smell funny” is used in lieu of “stink,” in order to dilute obvious racism with verbal juvenalia.

SN: Surfeatsleep

Post: “I smell funny too sometimes. I smell like Pat & Oscars breadsticks. But that's 'cause I work there. Today I just found out that someone else from 92/1 works with me. Sooooo random.”

Analysis: Surfeatsleep lightly combats racist comment with deflection onto herself. Note: The fact that a 92/1 staffer works with her at a low-end dining establishment is not random: disc jockeys are often poor and have two jobs. Also note: original conversation of hip-hop is lost. It will not return.

SN: Fancypants

Post: “I must not eat there. I will weigh 500 pounds.”

Analysis: Fancypants currently weighs 300 pounds and is part of a class-action lawsuit against Dr. Robert Atkins.

SN: Surfeatsleep

Post: “They have some GOOD salads - spinach, Greek, cobb, Caeser. Lemon or BBQ chicken Caesar salad dressings can be put on the side. Then Diet Pepsi to drink!”

Analysis: Surfeatsleep is ruefully unaware she's become a hawker of salads for Pat and Oscar in her off time. And Diet Pepsi.

SN: Fancypants

Post: “I like making my own food. Then I know for sure there won't be any pubes in it.”

Analysis: Common fast food lore. Often true.

SN: Norman

Post: “Jesus fuck, that's disgusting.”