I recently came across an article in Hydro Life magazine titled "Role Play the Right Way." It was the latest installment of "Carnal Knowledge," an advice column by self-described sex expert Lady Lovehandle. In the article, Ms. Lovehandle suggests playing romantic roles to spice up a couple's sex life and offers her favorite scenarios.
Now, I'm not the role-playing type. The only role I have ever played in a romantic relationship is my signature "Honey I'm busy, can you make this quick" character that pretty much destroyed my marriage. However, it's evident, after reading her ludicrous suggestions, that I know a helluva lot more about role-playing than Ms. Lovehandle does.
"My personal favorite is Stranger on the Train," she writes. "Strangers on the train are always sexy so why not bring the train to the bedroom?"
First of all, strangers on a train are not "always sexy." Have you ridden a train? Strangers on a train have vacant stares and the smell of nacho cheese and despair seeping from their pores.
Secondly, bring the train to the bedroom? How is that done exactly? Instead of Barry White, should you play the sound effect of clacking wheels and the periodic choo choo of a train whistle? When approaching the "stranger," should you sway back and forth like it's difficult to keep your footing? Are there any couples out there who could act out this scenario without falling to their knees in laughter?
As I said, I'm no expert, but if you're going to role-play Strangers on a Train, then get your lazy asses onto an actual train. Just board separately, wait for the train to get rolling, then approach the stranger and ask where she'll be disembarking.
"I'm getting off in Solana Beach. What about you?"
"I'm getting off right now," you say, then drag her into the bathroom and bend her over the sink while the clack clack clack and choo choo choo of a real train drown out your howls of ecstasy.
Next on Lovehandle's list of favorite roles to play is—are you ready for this humdinger?—Lunch Lady. Yes, the old Lunch Lady bit, which she prefers because it "brings us back to our childhood and waiting in lines."
Now, maybe I'm missing something, but what the heck is sexy about our childhoods? Or waiting in lines? A lunch line no less?! I don't know about you, but waiting for a little old lady with ear hair and a dowager's hump to serve me soggy fish sticks is hardly a turn on.
"Definitely invest in loads of hair nets," writes Ms. Lovehandle, causing me to wonder exactly where and how this woman obtained her "sex expert" credentials. Because if my wife asked me to pick up a bunch of hair nets for this role, I'd be, like, "Um, sweetie, how often are we going to be playing the Lunch Lady bit? Maybe can we squeeze in some more Sexy Librarian action and only do Lunch Lady on Fridays? Friday is lasagna day, you know."
Again, not an expert, but if you absolutely must do Lunch Lady, then, for crying out loud, get over to a Home Town Buffet, stand on opposite sides of the buffet deck and have her lop a piece of chicken and some mashed potatoes on your tray.
"May I have another piece of chicken, ma'am?"
"What's in it for me?"
"Here, let me show you," you say before dragging her into the bathroom and lovingly bending her over the sink.
Next on Lady Lovehandle's list is the Passive Aggressive Co-worker, and now it's just getting bizarre.
"Try emailing your significant other something like, 'Sorry to break this to you but the way you present yourself is not on par with our company mission statement.'"
Wait! Now, what? Pretending you're some nerdy company-man co-worker complaining about her appearance by email is supposed to activate her libido? When I read this, I had to reread the article to make sure it wasn't a joke. It was clear; she was being serious. This so-called expert on sex actually believes that Annoying Coworker, Lunch Lady and Stranger on a Train are the best roles you can use to spice up a relationship.
Again, not an expert—in fact, a million snots of hilarity would spew from my nostrils should I ever try any role-playing scene. But even I can think of a thousand hotter scenarios than these. Just off the top of my head, you can do a Pilot / Stewardess scene: Airplane is going down. Stewardess enters cockpit and confesses to pilot that if she's going to die, she'd like to do so in the throes of ecstasy. Hot near-death-experience sex ensues. (If you've got an exhibitionist tendency, pretend the mic is still keyed and the passengers can hear you on the loudspeaker.)
You can also do a 9/11 Truther Meets Condoleezza Rice scene: Truther sneaks into Condie's bedroom and demands an apology for planning 9/11. Condie admits culpability and apologizes. Truther bends her over dresser. After climaxing, they draw Satan horns on an autographed picture of George Bush.
Or my favorite scenario of all: Sordid Tales columnist approaches Carnal Knowledge columnist in bar. He says her column on role-playing had as much unintentional hilarity as when Baghdad Bob kept insisting Iraqi forces were crushing the American military. Sex columnist gets mad and drags him to alley to teach him a lesson. Columnist resists and says he will not put out unless she changes her title from "sex expert" to "just another boob with a platform." She agrees and bends him over a bike rack. In the distance, a train enters a tunnel. Choo choo.
Write to firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com. Edwin Decker blogs at www.edwindecker.com. Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.
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