Previously on There She Goz, your pal Gozie was floating naked in a sensory-deprivation tank filled with saltwater. As she floated weightlessly in a vessel that looked like Lady Gaga's old Grammy egg, she contemplated the next step in her relationship, which hit the rocks harder than Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. She also thought about smoking weed with the ghost of Jim Morrison.
One month later, I'm sitting in a booth at Bluefoot Bar repeatedly swiping left at every duck-faced dude in a sleeveless hoodie on Tinder. That's right, cute, gainfully employed, not creepy men of the world and the Internet, the Gozer's dance card is open. Anyone who hates TV or throws up the "hang loose" hand sign need not apply.
Breakups blow, especially when there are hurt feelings and disappointment involved and that bitch Gwyneth Paltrow steals your breakup thunder. Only one of us can be the resilient pillar of evolved womanhood, Gwynnie, and it's going to be the lady drinking wine in the shower and scream-singing along to every song on a Spotify playlist titled "I am Not the One." Excuse me while I consciously uncouple myself from sobriety while racking up a $500 water bill.
As it goes with these types of transitional periods, you want to change everything in your life. It's not enough to see a relationship you helped build crumble into a pile of sweet text messages, inside jokes and a shared Netflix account. You also want new bangs or a new apartment and you even consider moving to a new city. It's like we want change to come in bulk from Costco.
And while my conscious uncoupling isn't so arrogant as to warrant a term as stupid as "conscious uncoupling"—and yet is so conceited as to have two columns devoted to it—I took a cue from the insufferable proponent of the new Chris Martin cleanse and her intolerably unrelatable lifestyle blog Goop: I attempted a few treehuggery health and beauty fads currently burning up the Internet as a means of self-improvement. Perhaps it was just a distraction, but I really do think transitions like these make you want to better the way you live and care for yourself.
I switched to all-natural, organic products, including homemade deodorant and African black soap and started exercising way more than usual, by which I mean I started exercising. How come no one ever told me exercising makes you feel great? Crazy! I also tried the following:
The no-poo challenge: Thankfully, this isn't bowel related. I'm trying to rid my body of toxins, not die with a John Wayne-level turd in my guts. This experiment, which challenges people to stop using shampoo and conditioner completely, couldn't have come at a better time since being bummed out was affecting my grooming habits, anyway.
Supposedly, shampoo and conditioner strip your hair of the natural oils it produces to stay clean and healthy. In effect, we don't need shampoo as we think we do because our hair has the predisposition to not be disgusting. Two months I went poo-less, using a mix of baking soda and water when I needed to cleanse, and another mix of apple cider vinegar and water to soften my hair and get rid of any build-up. By "build-up," I mean pieces of brie that got stuck in there when I fell asleep on a cheese plate.
The results varied. One week my hair was heavy and greasy; another week it was dry and itchy. Striking a good balance was often difficult, but when I did, it was like a Pantene commercial up in my bathroom. At one point, I used too much baking soda and irritated the crap out of my scalp. I had to peel red flakes off my dome for days. My shoulders looked like a snow globe exploded on them.
I eventually caved after chlorine from a swimming pool caused a burning sensation usually reserved for the Pacific Beach Planned Parenthood Express. Still, I've barely used shampoo since starting the challenge, and when I do, I dilute a dollop in a Tupperware of water first. I won't pretend it's revolutionized my life. I mean, my taco budget has grown, which is always a good thing, so I'll stick with it.
The no-soap challenge: I heard about this from my friend Bjorn, who stopped using soap about two years ago. He argues that human beings don't need soap because we went for centuries without it. I was skeptical but decided to try it. It was gross. Don't do this.
Oil pulling: This fad is Goop-approved and consists of swishing unrefined coconut oil in your mouth every morning for 20 minutes. It's meant to improve your dental health, jaw pain, allergies, headaches and a number of other things by pulling nasty toxins in your body out from your mouth.
On my first morning, I dipped my fingers into a jar of coconut oil and shoved the contents into my mouth Winnie the Pooh-style. They immediately fell out onto my chest after I gagged. I persevered and swished. The taste wasn't as overwhelming as the initial texture, but once I got past that, I was fine. For a few weeks, I swished as I applied my makeup and did notice that my mouth and teeth felt cleaner and fresher after just a day. I kind of fell off the wagon after a few weeks, but I still oil-pull from time to time with positive results.
After these experiments, I found myself feeling and looking better. My skin and my mood were brighter—everything was brighter. There are still nasty toxins in my body, both physical and emotional, but I don't mind them. They're good reminders that my life is being fully lived.