Sex—it's great, right? I want it all the time. It's basically a vitamin that I really want to take daily because I know it will make me feel good. Unfortunately, like my actual vitamins, I'll go days, or sometimes even weeks, without getting my Vitamin D(ick), leaving me with a severe lack of bone density. Long workdays, general fatigue and laptops in bed seem to be the boner killers in my life these days. Laptop in bed, libido = dead.
As a result, I've taken matters into my own hands. I masturbate often. We should never feel embarrassed or ashamed about masturbating. Shame only strengthens fears instilled by prudish, women-hating jerks.
That said, I don't treat masturbating like something special, nor do many of the heterosexual women I asked. It's more of an I need to get laid but my boyfriend / husband / sex idiot is woefully tired / working / in the drunk tank. I guess I'll just knock one off the wrist before making dinner.
When it comes to sex, women tend to want some level of romance or excitement. We make a date special by dressing up, setting the mood with boot-knocking jams, wearing perfume and all that other good stuff that incites a bone session. However, when it comes to sex with ourselves, we often just go for the quick-and-easy fix in between the millions of things we seem to have going on at any given time.
I'll admit that my masturbation sessions usually involve lying in bed in a slovenly fashion with Parks & Recreation paused on the TV. It's not the sexiest thing in the world. But lighting candles and dimming the lights to rub one out seems cheesy.
Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus believes otherwise. The sex therapist says women should treat masturbation as they would sex with anyone. I visited Dr. Jenn's den, her Pacific Beach home, where she also sees clients, to talk about meditative masturbation. With a friendly, open expression, Dr. Jenn told me things I've always known: Masturbation not only feels amazing; it's also a way to understand and love your body. You gain insight into your sexuality and sensuality, and, over time, the sex you have improves. However, knowing those things doesn't mean you make the experience intimate, as is the case with my lazy ass.
"Why don't we do these [intimate] things for ourselves?" Dr. Jenn asked as she sipped on a hot mug of tea. "Why don't you treat yourself as you treat someone else? Why not treat yourself with the same nurturing and loving energy?"
Fair suggestions, but I was a little unsure about what that meant in a non-hippie-self-loving way and more in a real life, physical way.
"So, I should take my vagina out on a date or something?" I asked.
Yes, that's pretty much exactly what she meant. Take my vagina out; treat her all nice; wine her, dine her, vibrator-time her. Dr. Jenn has an audio recording on her website that she instructed me to play before or during my self-love session and gave me some tips. Mainly, for my date with my vagina, I should treat it like a date with my boyfriend, and I should also attempt to pleasure my five senses for a full-body experience.
The next day, during my lunch break, I listened to Dr. Jenn's audio file on meditative masturbation. In a breathy voice laid over sexy piano music, she suggested that I stroke my breasts and breathe deeply and slowly.
"This is about creating a pleasurable, romantic ritual for yourself, so setting the mood for yourself is important," her voice lulled.
I sat there, scooping hummus into my mouth, getting mildly sweaty. In true hard-hitting journalistic form, I decided then and there to go all out for my vagina date. Feel free to start polishing my Pulitzer.
When I got home, I put on fresh makeup, fixed my hair and put on new sexy lingerie bought from the underwear section at Marshall's. Nothing screams sexiness, elegance and glamour like a push-up, control-top teddy purchased from a rack literally three feet away from kitchen pans and luggage.
My vagina and I headed out for a romantic Italian dinner to excite my sense of taste. I wore a soft black dress that shows off just the right amount of cleavage—like, stripper-on-an-interview-for-a-normal-office-job cleavage. My vagina and I indulged in dessert, and when I took her home, I dimmed the lights, spritzed myself in my favorite perfume and pulled out a brand new vibrator filled with a fully charged battery. No taking out the battery from the remote control for this bitch tonight.
My boyfriend acted as the perfect wingman, DJing my solo sesh with some Astrud Gilberto. It was like doing it on the set of Mad Men. I laid back and took slow, steady breaths just as Dr. Jenn had instructed. I could hear her voice echoing in my head: "This is your time to enjoy your body, sensations and sexual energy. This is yours and no one else's. Relish and enjoy."
Whatever cheesiness I thought would come of a vagina date faded pretty quickly. It's funny how good things feel when you stop caring about whether what you're doing is silly. It applies to masturbation, too, I found. And because I was clearly having an epic time, my boyfriend eventually weaseled his way in like a total third wheel. I'm not complaining. It was epic and much needed for all three of us, but I plan on giving me and old vagy regular date nights.
So, ladies, when it comes to masturbation, take a cue from Dr. Jenn, Tom Haverford and now me: Treat yo'self (and your vagina). It will be one date where you're certain to be romanced and get lucky at the end of the night.
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