I read in U-T San Diego that all four major mayoral candidates had scored 100 percent on a sexual-harassment quiz devised by the U-T Watchdog team.
I'm actually impressed. I took the same quiz, and that mo-fo was hard! I got six out of 28 wrong, such as this one (abridged): "[Lily and Steve are dating] and their affectionate moments are becoming more public around the office. What, if anything, should you do?"
Fuck if I know! Tell 'em to get a room, I guess.
Apparently, the only people who scored 100 were the mayoral candidates, probably because they all received something called "sexual harassment training." I never knew this before, but the California Fair Employment and Housing Act requires the city (and all businesses with more than 50 employees) to provide "sexual harassment training to each supervisory employee..."
When I read about mandatory sexual-harassment training, I was disgusted. In this day and age, when we've finally come to understand how harmful and dehumanizing this behavior can be, it's a straight-up travesty that we have mandatory courses to "train" people how to be sexual harassers. So, the other night, I attended one of these state-sanctioned sessions, and I can tell you, it was unnerving.
About 30 men showed up for the class, which was held in a small hotel convention room. On the chalk board was written the course mantra: "It's not sexual harassment. It's sexy harassment!"
The speaker lectured for about an hour, then had us perform different exercises: We worked on our wolf whistles; we memorized dirty limericks; we practiced different methods of "exit blocking" and learned how to draw pictures of genitalia on Post-it notes. After a short break, the speaker brought out a young woman who sat in a chair at the front of the room.
"Let's see what we've learned," he said, calling up a man named Joe. "OK, Joe, go over there and sexy harass the shit out of that woman!" Joe approached and began massaging her shoulders.
"Good, good. Start off slow and easy," the speaker said.
"Your lady melons look very bouncy today," Joe told the woman. "Are you trying out some new bra technology?"
"Excellent!" blurted the speaker. "Women love compliments." Then Joe reached around and fondled the woman's breasts.
"No, no, no! You don't reach and grope. You must lightly brush against them, like it was an accident. Now apologize."
"I'm sorry, baby," Joe said, "but my hands are hungry falcons and your breasts look like rabbits.'"
"Perfect," the teacher said. And so it went for about an hour, with different people coming up and trying their hand at sexy harassing the poor woman. After that came the Sexy Harassment Training Quiz:
1. Jeanette works in the marketing department. When she walks, her breasts sway like lobster buoys. However, Jeanette is frigid. You know this because she always says, "Bugger off, weasel!" any time you talk to her. What is the best way to warm her up?
A. Create friction by rubbing against her.
B. Whisper in her ear that every woman needs a man who can love her, touch her and hold her—hostage in the basement.
2. Alison is in sales. She has an ass that was carved by Da Vinci, painted by Monet and tapped by Bill in accounting (so he says). She adores you and wants to make sweet love. The only problem, she doesn't know it and always declines when you ask her out. Do you:
A. Call her a soulless dyke and go see if Jeanette has thawed out yet?
B. Tell her husband she is sleeping around so they get into a fight and she shows up on your doorstep in the rain—her nut-brown hair dripping down her neck, her heaving chest visible through a cold, wet blouse—and leaps into your arms for sexual healing?
3. Carrie is your secretary. Her lips are always wet and swollen—like a python that
ate a dolphin. You've been courting her for months, and one day she finally agrees to meet you at a bar, albeit as friends. When is the best time to spike her drink?
A. Before she calls you a jerk and slaps you in the face.
B. After she calls you a jerk and slaps you in the face.
4. We've all heard the phrase "No means no." But when does "No" mean "Yes"?
A. When she's shouting it over and over, wild-eyed and infuriated.
B. When she follows it with, "not now, not ever, weirdo!"
C. When you are her boss and you get to define words however you please.
5. It's Dianne's first day on the job. She's got legs that could rip a stripper pole from its mount. How do you make her feel welcome at her new job?
A. Talk about her figure to the other men in the office while pointing and leering. Women love attention.
B. Draw a tasteful picture of a cock and balls and Post-it to her monitor.
C. Recite your favorite dirty limerick and slap her hard on the back saying, "I like you! You're one of the guys."
Write to firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com. Edwin Decker blogs at www.edwindecker.com. Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.
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