- Illustration by Adam Vieyra
"Hasty resolutions are of the nature of vows, and to be equally avoided."
Yes, with the new year, Spin would like to think that: warring sides worldwide will put down arms, group hug and live in peace and harmony; armchair pundits will up their game and call out fools of any political stripe; and, dare I dream, Twinkies will make a roaring comeback.
But under the tinselly faux Christmas tree at Brain Trust Central, Spin found something magical: a sparkling new crystal ball! At least the box looks new. "Acme Glass Ball Co., 123 Main St...." Oh, cool, American made, too!
Let's take it for a test drive, see if it's got any legs for 2013:
Oh, crystal ball, what fate awaits the City Hall greats, say in January?
Crystal ball: First off, the filling of two vacancies on the prestigious Port Commission. And by "prestigious," I mean good gig, nice perks, awesome airport parking. But, anyway, two at once. Big deal. So, you heard of this guy, Steve Cushman? Yeah, Mr. Old Timey Port Commish Three Timer. Well, looks here like he very much fancies one of those seats. I know, not such a ringing kick-start to the new mayor's "new faces" pledge, but, hey, ol' Bobby Filner seems to be taking a back seat on this one. The City Council picks 'em ultimately, but you're goofy if you think ol' Jerry Sanders didn't hold some sway.
Ha ha, yeah, I read your thoughts. "Not again!" you screamed to yourself about Cushman. No, really! Well, you know they had to extend the nominating period a week because City Council members had forwarded a total of zero names for consideration. Yep, zippo!
Other than that, I'm just seeing quick snapshots of Filner at: parades, funerals, campaign-office openings, bat mitzvahs, supermarket ribbon cuttings, baby showers, yacht christenings—yeesh! Here's one of him doin' the caterpillar at a nightclub premiere. Yeah, pretty much still on the victory tour.
Oh, crystal ball, what sayeth the law about Plaza de Panama?
CB: Hmmmm, getting static. Like there's some sort of wireless interference weirding out the future waves. Oh, wait, it's clearing. I see Irwin Jacobs smiling. And a judge cranking up mileage in a spiffy new sports car! Oh, wait, no that's Court TV. OK, here we go. Jacobs smiling, waving to a throng of admirers. Looks like early February.
Oh, there's Bruce Coons, head of the local preservationist group SOHO that filed suit over the massive Balboa Park remodeling plan backed by Jacobs. He's smiling, too! Hmm, that's weird. How can they both be happy?
Ah, they're both saying they remain undaunted. Looks like this battle continues. Oooh, more static!
Well, that was rather anticlimactic.
CB: Hey, I just read 'em. What, you think legal stuff is all Law & Order all the time? Come on.
Oh, crystal ball, from your tongue, who will replace Tony Young?
CB: No need to force the rhyming thing, ya know. It's not required.
CB: OK, Tony Young. That was something, wasn't it? Just when progressives get full control of the city steering wheel, he's all, "Oh, look, Red Cross! Pull over and let me out, driver." So, it's looking like five, six months of this 4-4 council schtick. But I see crossover here and there, some unanimity on occasion. Where, you ask? Hey, I'm a crystal ball, not a miracle worker. But, you know, shaky budget times call for shaky alliances, no? You figure it out. But Young's replacement? That's tricky. Seems there's one candidate who lives in the new District 4 but not the old District 4. Question of which boundary lines apply, since Young departs two years early from a term bequeathed within the old lines. Perhaps a challenge emerges.
You're starting to tick me off with your vagueness.
CB: Hey, hey! No need for outbursts. Did you see my packaging? "Acme Glass Ball Co." You were hoping Aladdin's Gem Shop, perhaps? Sorry to disappoint.
It's the thought, I guess. So, oh crystal ball, don't fudge it, the city budget.
CB: Accck! Such ringing! Make it stop! Arrrrgh! Flashing lights blinding, alarm bells deafening. Quick, ask another question!
Um, OK, how will the Padres do this year?
CB: Uggggh! More alarms, more flashing! Something else! Ask something else!
Wow, that doesn't sound good. OK, what will Carl DeMaio decide to do?
CB: Awww, that's better. Tranquil waters, burbling brooks, chirping birds—.
He's going off to the wilderness to rethink his life and find a way to embrace reality?
CB: Ohh, haaahahaha, good gawd no, son! I was just looking at one wing of his house. Nice place, by the way. You ever been?
CB: Ah, too bad. No, he's still around, trumpeting his government-reform ideas like they'd won a prize or something. Don't know why his dart board has a picture of Scott Peters tacked to it, though.