There’s been much made of the Mayan calendar declaring Dec. 21, 2012, to be the end of the world. It’s utter nonsense. Mesoamerican lore clearly details in the Popol Vuh that the 14th b’ak’tun marks the incarnation of the fifth world and not some cataclysmic scenario. Everybody knows that. Of course, the planet Nabiru is still due to collide with us and atomize all life that day, but there’s no evidence that the ancient aliens ever mentioned it to the Maya.
It’s time to embrace the inevitable. I intend to do so armed with my two favorite things: delicious beer and gallows humor. Here are my suggestions for brews that will pair best with total annihilation.
While most breweries are regarding the end as a time for personal reflection and taking swan dives into their bright tank, Stone Brewing is hoping to upstage the apocalypse. First, Stone’s preempting it altogether with its own “Final Chapter” events, commemorating the 12th and final Stone Vertical Epic Ale with vertical tastings all over San Diego around 12/12/12 (see stonebrewing.com/ve_epicevents for details). As if that weren’t audacious enough, its latest iteration in the Stone Enjoy By series—Stone Enjoy By 12.21.12 IPA—was built to expire only moments after humanity does. It’s a perfect send-off beer, given that its robust, full-spectrum bitterness may just be capable of matching the bitterness accompanying your own untimely demise.
If you’d like to ring in our undoing with less hops, you’d find few more poetic and deliciousselections than La Fin Du Monde (“The End of the World”). The triple-style ale from Unibroue has a floral and fruity aroma, which should make a pleasant counter-point to the stench of scorched earth surrounding your home. Its bright palate of honey, cloves, grain and pear will evoke memo- ries of warm summer days. That will be especially comforting when innumerable pillars of smoke blot out the sun and, by extension, all organic life. Its champagne-like effervescence is sure to bring good cheer and whimsy to even the most irrevocably doomed partygoer.
If by chance this is the last thing you’re reading, just know I always loved you most.