Presidential election: red or white?

There are two monumental events happening within days of one another. One, of course, is the publication of this column. The other isn’t quite as big a deal, just a presidential election. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.

By the time you read this, it’s likely that enough votes will have been tallied to restore Barack Obama to his rightful throne, unless that usurper Mitt Romney and his evil minions have found another way to rig the system. Either way, you need a drink. Or four. And though it’s certainly possible that you “forgot” to cast your ballot in the election, you now have a fateful decision facing you: red or white.

I know, you think it’s an easy choice. I only drink Italian reds, you’re saying to yourself; or, My parents drank Chardonnay, and that’s good enough for me. That’s all well and good, but like politics, wine is best selected with an open mind.

A good red wine can be as hawkish as a Republican, but also as complex and giving as a Democrat. Whites tend to be more diplomatic, easier on the palate, and far more pleasant on a hot, climate-changed day. But they’re often fairly dull and not very intriguing, even unimaginative.

So, based on Tuesday’s results, what should you throw back? It really depends on what you had hoped for. Let’s break it down:

If you voted for Obama and he wins, start with a European white and then move into the American reds. No need to go global. Hell, wrap things up with an ice wine. You’ve got four more years, so take advantage. If he lost, it’s nothing but California whites. We need to maintain the local economy, and it’s important not to cry too much and maintain some dignity.

If you voted for Romney and he lost, chin up. It may be time to start experimenting with rosé, the bipartisan version of wine, washed down with a little Proseco to ensure that it remains a grand old party. Ah, and what if you voted for Romney and he wins? Hm. I’ll hold my tongue.