Who's your buddy?

Americans would rather watch football with Barack Obama than John McCain by a slim majority of 50 percent to 47 percent, according to an Associated Press poll released on Sept. 19. In the same poll, the majority also said they’d prefer Obama as their kids’ teacher by a larger margin of 55 percent to 44 percent.

According to the AP report, the poll seemed promising for Obama since he “was the choice of undecided voters and those who say they might switch candidates, narrowly as a football companion but by 18 points as a teacher.”

Even some McCain supporters seemed frightened of having to deal on a personal level with the grizzled war hero. One in five of those polled who said they’ll vote for McCain would still rather let their children be taught by the black guy than let them anywhere near the unhinged old man whose Kool-Aid they nevertheless are drinking.

In the words of McCain supporter Lanita Linch, 41, of Harrison, Ark., the Republican candidate “seems intensely focused in a way I’m not sure he does sit down and relax.” She’d rather watch football with Obama because he seems like “someone you could be comfortable and at ease with.”

Likewise, in a recent Presently Tense poll, 80 percent of Americans said they’d rather go rock climbing with Obama, contrasted with just 16 percent wishing to traverse the sheer faces of rocky cliffs with the septuagenarian presidential contender.

“What if he fell on you?” asked McCain supporter Gary Rushmouth of Knuckleback, Okla. “Sure, I’m supporting him, but does that mean I have to support his weight while I’m precariously suspended above a rocky chasm?” Independent voter Vince Straddler said, “It doesn’t seem fair. The guy has war injuries. I mean, everybody knows it’s bullshit that it prevents him from learning how to send an e-mail, but rock climbing?”

In the same poll, however, Americans said they would rather sit on a porch eating rock candy with McCain by a significant 65 percent to 35 percent.

“McCain reminds me of a cranky old cabin-dwelling grandpa. I think he’d really enjoy sitting on a porch, sucking on some old-timey rock candy, maybe while seated in a wicker rocker with a knit throw draped over his lap. He might even open up and tell me some gnarly war stories,” explained Obama supporter Randy Earthshoe. “Even though I’d prefer Obama as a president, I’m afraid he might get bored eating rock candy on a porch.”

In another poll, released anonymously the day before yesterday, Americans said they would rather have McCain as a substitute teacher by a slim majority of 49 to 46 percent.

McCain supporter, 17-year-old Heather Twitter of Kitchensink, Ohio, believes that McCain would be “easy to mess with” and that “since he was, like, a total dork loser in school, he would probably let me get away with totally zoning out.” Teenage Obama supporter Mike Robrew concurs, “I’m sorry, but Obama’s talent would be wasted as a sub. McCain is perfect. You could leave in the middle of class and he wouldn’t even notice.”

The results of the anonymous Oct. 1 poll show that McCain comes out ahead as the candidate Americans would rather have help them choose a fiber-rich cereal at the supermarket, while Obama is favored two to one as the candidate who might help them discover “a reasonably priced Chardonnay that was full bodied and on the dry side.”

In a poll conducted the same day by EZ-Pollz Polling Service, Americans’ opinions tilted favorably toward vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin as the VP candidate with whom they’d rather be stuck in an elevator or watch dog-sledding on TV.

The same poll revealed that Democrat Joe Biden was favored by voters as the VP candidate whom they’d prefer to have inflate a soccer ball for their nephew or be the guy who figures out the bill after dinner with eight friends at the Olive Garden.

And in a McDimmy News poll conducted yesterday, which asked Americans to imagine the presidential contenders paired with their running mates in a variety of folksy scenarios, the McCain-Palin ticket came out ahead as the duo preferred as guests at a Tupperware party.

“That’d be a hoot,” reports McCain-Palin supporter Gladys Fluffins of Teabottom, Fla.

On the other hand, a sizable majority chose Obama-Biden as the duo of potential leaders of the free world they would rather have on their side in a game of Team Scrabble.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said independent voter Carrie Minapsak of Collegetown, Mass. “I wouldn’t even want that loopy chick on my team in a game of Chutes and Ladders.”

Finally, in a new poll released just moments ago, 93 percent of Americans said that although they understood “who they’d rather watch football with” was a factor that could help determine a candidate’s “likeability” among voters, they ultimately felt that this sort of poll was “pretty lame,” “silly” and “an utter waste of time.”

In the same poll, conducted by Somebody’s Brother-in-Law from Fresno News Service, a remarkably even 25 percent of those polled chose McCain, 25 percent Palin, 25 percent Obama and 25 percent Biden, as the candidate they would most like to have break into their house and “just kill [them] now and put [them] out of [their] misery” after being subjected to hours and hours of frivolous phone polling. The margin of error was an insignificant 100 percent.    

Write to dak@sdcitybeat.com and editor@sdcitybeat.com.