Up in smoke

I quit smoking cold-turkey 33 years ago this July 5. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, because my personality tends toward the addictive (I’ve seen Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris 24 times since 1974, and both my arms are loopy with needle tracks from my daily injections of carob-flavored soy milk). I’ve often thought about which part of my ass I’d land on if I so much as looked at a live cigarette now, let alone toke on it. Since I carry my wallet in my left back pocket, I can only hope that my downward trajectory would favor that side.

That means I’m missing out on the coolest feature the Rolando area’s Egyptian Tea Room café has to offer—the hookah, an ancient Middle Eastern pipe through which water passes to cool and filter the smoke. The tobacco comes in flavors like butterscotch, molasses, piña colada and rose, all designed to complement your meal. My friend and I split the Pharaoh’s Pheast ($8.95), a huge, spectacular combination plate that includes samples of the eatery’s appetizers (hummus, yogurt, grape leaves, olives, fava beans and assorted spices). I then proceeded to content myself with some Egyptian baklava ($2.25) while she jumped all over the watermelon tobacco and practically ordered me to try it. I’m sure this stuff is harmless, as it’s nicotine-free, but even the suggestion of inhabiting the same planet with demon tobacco terrifies me. (I’m actually saving money this way, as pipe rentals are extra.)

Until I screw up my courage (and I will), I’ll content myself with the Tea Room’s scrumptious breakfast, lunch and dinner entries, none of which costs more than $9.25. They’re available at 4644 College Ave. from 7 a.m. to midnight Mondays through Wednesdays; 7 a.m. to 1 a.m. Thursdays; 9 a.m. to 3 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays; and 8 a.m. to midnight on Sundays (the number is 619-265-7287). The hookah adds an exotic flair to the whole experience, and I look forward to the day I can join you. Sort of.