Tales from Craigslist

It’s that time of year again, when the little ones head out on that path toward diabetes, and perfectly decent girls get dressed up as hookers and hit the streets.

Terrifying as the thought of being surrounded by a thousand Tina Fey / Sarah Palins drunk on witches’ brew might be, there are few things scarier than our local craigslist site.

Looking to wake up with the meanest case of scabies this side of a Transylvanian brothel? Maybe you should answer that “t4mm” casual-encounters listing. Perhaps you want to risk the chance of getting chainsawed to death in your sleep? Well, that $150-a-month shared Gaslamp loft just might do the trick. Floor-to-ceiling windows, my foot!
“San Diego is in the top 10 craigslist cities, traffic-wise,” spokesperson Susan MacTavish tells CityBeat. “We’re getting 300 million page views, 1 million new classified ads and 10,000 new job listings per month.”

And because my cable was out and I needed to get my All Hallows Eve kicks somehow, I decided to randomly answer real postings and give them a spooky twist. The results speak for themselves:

Boy’s Doll — Boutique Brand “HABA” Soft Doll 15” — LIKE NEW (Escondido)

I bought this adorable friend for my son last Christmas, however, he never touched it. I thought he might want to play with a doll alongside his sister, but no such luck. Except that we don’t have the box, the doll is new like the day he opened it :-(

Description: “Phil” will quickly gain a place in the heart of your toddler or preschool-aged child. His cheerful, embroidered face, bright orange hair and slightly weighted body make him fun to cuddle, hold and carry about. Phil’s zippered useable backpack is especially fun. He was lovingly designed and quality assured in Germany. To wash place inside a pillowcase.

Asking $45 OBO. Cash only, please contact Debi with any questions.

----------------

Debi: What a pleasure it was to find your posting. I am a single parent of a 9 1/2-year-old son, and I too have tried to get him to play with dolls to no avail (I played with them and turned out just fine!). He often asks me questions on witchcraft and the voodoo rituals of rural Haitian tribes (is that normal?). Last Christmas I too bought a male doll for him to distract himself with (not as detailed as “Phil,” I must say!). Well, don’t ask me how, but apparently thru some sort of white magic spell, my son made the doll come to life and it ran amuck! The doll, it seems, grabbed my shears (I’m a third-generation curtain maker) and nicked my calf. At least I think that’s what happened, as I am a big fan of my neighbor’s nutmeg-heavy eggnogtinis, and my memory is quite hazy. Still, off it went to the Salvation Army.

My questions to you are: Is it OK to change his name to a more German name as an homage to its Teutonic roots, say Günther or Adolf? And can I have a written guarantee that the doll will not come to life?

Many thanks,
Enrique.

-----------------

I love the idea of a name change, but I cannot account for his actions thereafter!
Take care,
Debi

5 Gal buckets - $1 (El Cajon)

I have 30 5 Gal buckets they are all clean. They had pickles in them. I also have some smaller buckets. All are $1.00 each

-------------------

Talk about a Godsend! I am the organizer of the 2008 Domiciliate Bash (a sort of prom for home-schooled children), and I am looking for a way to get back at one of the unruly girls that has put my Tobias (Dungeons and Dragons fanatic) thru hell this whole home-half (our version of a semester). Myself and the other parents of the PPA (a kind of PTA) have concocted a plan to name this domestic-harlot prom queen, and as she’s being crowned, dowse her with red Kool-Aid or any other red liquid substance (such as hot strawberry preserves or pig’s blood). That’s where your fine buckets come in play. She is evil! Last Halloween she took two Mars bars from my candy cauldron when I specifically said only one. The fact that your buckets used to be filled with pickles only fuels my fire for revenge even more, as I was deprived of pickle consumption in my youth due to a cucumber intolerance that I’d rather not discuss.
How many buckets would I need? I can afford up to nine.

Many, many thanks.
Enrique.

---------------------

You’ll need a few. I have someone coming by first thing tomorrow morning to buy some. If there are any left I will respond and let you know how many are available.

Chris

Haan Floor Steam Cleaner and Sanitizer Microfiber Pads - $50 (Oceanside)

For sale is a barely used Haan Floor Steamer. It is in great condition. I bought it because I am neat freak. Unfortunately, there is no helping the floors in base housing. These sell for $85 plus shipping online, so it is a great deal. Includes steam mop, two microfiber pads, measuring cup, protective floor pad.

Built-in hook-and-loop for easy pad attachment.

Travis.

---------------------- 

Bonjur! What a great item. I am an avid traveler / snuff-film producer, and I am in dire need of a powerful cleaning tool like yours. I am currently staying at a local hostel and let’s just say things got out of hand last night. Who needs the Irish anyway? The only things they have ever given us are leprechauns and green beer (both useless). What’s the biggest mess you’ve ever cleaned with this fabulous sanitizer? Do you accept traveler’s checks? Check out is at 3.

Auf wiedersehen!
Enrique.

----------------------

I think it does a good job cleaning messes, but if there is a big spill, you would have to clean it up first then use the sanitizer. It does cut thru grease and kills the germs. I actually only accept cash. Let me know if you are interested.

Juicy Sweater must go- $25 (San Diego)

Like new condition. Used 2 times when I was pregnant. I think it fit medium in misses size, it’s junior large size. There’s some beaded or bling on the design. Perfect for winter and fall.
Measurement: armpit to armpit 20”.

----------------------- 

What a find! I plan to dress up as my mother for Halloween as an homage. She was a good woman who always made sure that I got to hockey practice on time. I have most of the pieces together, including a wig I picked up at Party City very similar to mother’s hairstyle (who knew she rocked the Medieval Wench look?). She loved her bling and was a huge “label whore,” so this piece is a perfect match! My questions are: A) Do you think it’s creepy that I’m doing this? And B) Will it fit a 6’2” 265 pound man? I can always alter it. Have no experience in sewing, but am adept in machete and other butcher tools.

Thank you in advance,
Enrique.

P.S: Have any animals been near this garment? I am deathly allergic to both Alpacas and Philippine mountain goats.

-----------------------

My plan last year when I was pregnant was creepier; I was planning to be a pregnant nun. I just think you can be anything that you want on Halloween. It looks really tight on my husband (6’ 200lbs). I have some more woman clothes and even XL man clothes for sale if you are interested to be someone else other than your mom on Halloween. My house is smoke and pet free home, I have a baby.

Anna.

I’ll install your LCD / Plasma for cheap (San Diego)

We will install any LCD/Plasma TV to the wall in your home or business. What makes us different from the rest are 2 things: Customer service and prices.
We are the most affordable installers in San Diego and we blow away any retail business installation packages (Circuit City—Costco—Best Buy Geek Squad)
No Hassles, No Tangled Wires to Figure Out, No Waiting for Installation, 7 days / week. Also we’ll come to your home to plan the Ultimate Home Theater Experience

Email Ronny

------------------------ 

Ronny: How thrilled I am to find you! I am often referred to as a “square” by the members of my church and my knitting group buddies for not being up to date on the latest trends (Sudoku and the like). The New Kids on the Block have a successful tour and that Madonna chick is still rolling around on stage. Half of the time I don’t even know what decade I’m living in; just last week I found out what LOL means… not that clever. I am looking to impress my neighbors, the Freelings (Mormons), so I went ahead and purchased a 50” plasma TV. There’s where you come in. Many a day I see my young daughter staring at static on our old analog TV set (Cox, help!), and last week the midget lady from down the street that babysits for me said that the TV tried to suck my daughter in. Needless to say, I put a lock on my liquor cabinet ASAP, LOL!

My questions are simple: How much is it for basic installation (no upsells, please!), and does the fact that I live close to an Indian burial ground affect my signal at all? I can pay cash.

Please help me see the light,
Enrique.

-------------------------

Your sense of humors amuses me very much I am that kind of person myself; life is too short to be a sour head, LOL. Anyway as far as just to put it together and making it right is 60 to 70 dollars depending were you live (gas). I don’t upsell, however to get that perfect picture quality you will need what’s called an HDMI cable and that is pretty expensive at stores they go anywhere from 50 to 120 dollars for a 6 foot cable I can get you one for 50 that is high quality—you will get a clear and beautiful picture so you can really impress the morons. Oops I misspelled… it’s Mormons, forgot an “m”.

Ha-ha
Ronny.

Train Your Dog!

Is your dog disobedient?

Does he/she not LISTEN no matter how loud you speak?

Does your dog not know that the bathroom is OUTSIDE?

Well, don’t worry! There’s nothing wrong with you or your dog. You most likely do not know HOW to communicate with your dog. After all, it doesn’t speak English! But, we can help you communicate with your dog using a very effective and humane method, clicker training.

As dog owners, we know how important it is to have a well-behaved dog and we want to help fellow dog-owners in this cause by providing a complete guide to Clicker Training at a low cost! This is a small investment of only $4.95 that has a very high return!

Please contact Olga for more information.

-------------------------- 

Olga: What a sigh of relief I breathed after reading your post. One year ago, I adopted a Portuguese water dog I named Frederico Dos Santos (after Portugal’s infamous humanitarian and pirate), and since then my life has been an uphill battle. He is out of control and just the other day I came back home after work (telemarketing) and he was wearing a red and green striped sweater (where did he get that from? I didn’t buy it) and had gotten into my fridge (so long, organic potatoes!) I also noticed that the nails in his right paw had gotten increasingly long and sharp (why just the right? Is it because he sleeps on his belly?). His yapping has gotten out of control, and I have been forced to leave him in my apartment building’s boiler room. Teenagers on my street have approached me and let me know that they have been having nightmares starring—you guessed it—my Freddy. I am not a rich man. How can your system help me?

Hoping you’ll help me ‘heel’,
Enrique.

-------------------------

How are you? Do you speak Spanish or Portuguese by any chance? I speak Spanish, by the way. Just an FYI.

From what you describe in your email, it seems that you don’t give Freddy too many restrictions. Leaving him free to go anywhere in your house while you’re not there might not be a good idea. Instead of the boiler room, leave him in one of your apartment’s rooms. Or, if he is still misbehaving being restricted to one room, then consider buying a crate or a kennel for him. He has to know that you’re the boss, not him. But, you have to keep control and not give him all of it.

As far as the sweater goes, I don’t know what to tell you about that. Maybe he brought it in from somewhere when you weren’t looking and hid it in your apartment, who knows. But you shouldn’t worry too much about that as long as you keep control of him and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I truly believe that you can improve the situation with your dog Freddy. You just need to learn a bit more about dog behavior. Let me know if you have any questions or want to follow up.
Best,
Olga.

New shiny sterling silver bracelet - $30 (mission valley)

I got it for graduation. I’m not a jewelry fan so I never wore it. The engraving says “love the life you live” and the other side says “live the life you love”.

-------------------------- 

My heart almost skipped a beat when I saw this gorgeous silver bracelet for sale. I have a problem with my grandfather. You see, as of late he talks gibberish and doesn’t make a lot of sense (too much TV, not enough bran, I say!). Things got crazier after he had an encounter with a gipsy in our mobile home community. Since then he howls at the moon and has developed a considerable amount of facial hair. I attributed this last part to our Iranian heritage, but I’ve been going thru three Gillette Sensor razors a week with him! Things got worse when Colonel Willy Whiskers (my neighbor’s cat) was recently found devoured to death. I’m not sure if it was Gramps or not, but thankfully I live in a heavily populated Latino area and they attributed it to El Chupacabras (some sort of folkloric superhero or something). I find that Grandpa sleeps the best when I surround the outside of his bedroom door with silver artifacts (tea pot, a fork, Reynolds wrap, etc…). And I feel that getting your fine bracelet for him would be a wise investment, and the fact that it’s shiny will help me keep track of him when I take him outside to relieve himself. Not to mention that I find the engraving terribly cruel as he is at the jumping off point in his life, which only makes me want it more. I am willing to pay top dollar for it!

Sincerely yours,
Enrique.

-------------------------

Well I don’t know much about that kind of stuff, and it’s up there for 30 but somebody said they’d pay 40 so if you want to pay more than that than it’s up to [you]. Good luck with your grandfather.

Thank you,
Jordin

Mig welder in trade for??? (Vista)

I have a nice portable, 115 volt 130 amp mig welder. It’s made by Thermal-Dynamics; the model is “Fabricator 130”. Very good quality and it has only been used a few times.
It has a hook-up for gas if you need it. I used it with flux-cored wire, no gas required. The spool is still near full.

I would be interested in a high quality Chainsaw grinder/sharpener or…???

-------------------------- 

I have a gently used Craftsman 18” gas chainsaw that literally cuts through ANYTHING hella fast (large tree limbs, rib cages, etc…). I tested it recently during a road trip to Texas for a family reunion. Let’s just say that I had some vermin to take care of and using this puppy made it a breeze. Has minor “stains.” Need to unload this fast. Hell, I don’t even know what a mig welder is. I’ll just give it to you in exchange for a home cooked meal. I come to you.

Thanks,
Enrique.

--------------------------

No response.