Stupid cubed

Ever since the citizens of Maine and Oregon voted to snub their homosexual brethren by denying them the right to marry (et tu, progressive states?), I really wanted to write a rant (wrant) about it. The problem was, I had wranted so much about California’s own Prop. 8 gay marriage snub—I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there again.

Until today, when I happened upon a statistic: Of the 31 states (including Maine and Oregon) that put same-sex marriage to a popular vote, every one of them shot it down! 

Not to be confused with the five states (Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire) that legalized gay marriage via the legislature, the 31 states in question took the issue to the citizens, and the citizens shot it down, as if to say, “Get back in the dungeon, gay people! You’re scaring the kids!” 

In my mind, the reasons for the countrywide smack down are: A) The medieval barbarians who ran all those anti-gay-marriage campaigns blatantly lied and, B) The people who believed the lies were unbelievably stupid, idiotic and dumb.

Now, it should be noted that I normally don’t like to string three words together that mean the same thing but, in this case, if you actually believed the horsey sauce they were spreading, then three words for “stupid” are needed to describe you—not in the concurrent sense, but for their accumulative properties. What I’m saying is, you have to be stupid3 to believe the campaign battle cry that rallied conservative voters across the country. And what they said—on the TV, the radio and everywhere else in each of the 31 states and beyond—was that same-sex marriage would be taught in elementary schools—taught to your kids—if it were made legal, which, of course, is a raging distortion, fib and falsehood. It’s a lie3 is what I’m saying.

There was nothing in the Maine initiative about “teaching” gay marriage. What does “teaching gay marriage” mean, anyway? How is that done? And why would we? We don’t even teach straight marriage in school.

In a now-infamous anti-gay-marriage television commercial targeting the citizens of Maine, a Massachusetts couple is sitting on a couch talking about how the book King and King (a children’s story about a gay prince) was read to their son’s second-grade class, which gay-marriage opponents surmised had happened because Massachusetts legalized gay marriage.

“He’s in second grade!” gasped the mother, appalled by the evidence that gays are trying to brainwash her child to join the Army of Queer so that he might start goose-stepping around the neighborhood with his toy rifle, kablam-blam-blamming the homosexual agenda in everyone’s faces.

Nice try, anti-gay-marriage campaigners, except, exposing a child to the existence of gay marriage is not “teaching” it. That would be like saying Dr. Seuss was teaching climatology because there was a picture of a cloud on Page 6 of Horton Hears a Who! Exposing somebody to something, even condoning it, is not the same as teaching it. An example of “teaching” same-sex marriage would be if the headmaster stood at the head of the class pointing at diagrams on a chalkboard saying, “Now class, this is how you inhale amyl nitrate poppers” and “Here’s how to perform the ‘scissors’ maneuver” and so on. Teaching is more than “exposing,” and to portray what happened that one time in the Massachusetts classroom as “teaching”—as if the entire Massachusetts school system was brainwashing the student body to enlist in the Army of Queer—well, that damn well needs to be called out, if for no reason than to clear away the lies3 and stupidity3 so we can get to the real crux of the matter, which is whether legalizing gay marriage will brainwash kids into believing that it’s OK for gays to get married, or even worse, that it’s OK to be gay, should they ever decide to go that way. And, of course, the answer is yes, you’re damn right it’s OK, and, yes, absolutely, the goal is to brainwash your children, and, yes, homophobes should be scared as crap about that.

Whether their children’s school is exposing, condoning or teaching, gay marriage, the bottom line is that the Army of Queer is advancing, one shiny, black-booted goosestep at a time. Homosexuals are inching closer to equality in this country, and the children are receiving that message loud and clear, thanks in part to activist books like King and King, warrior heroes like San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and queer-friendly television programs like Sons of Anarchy, which depicts a queer motorcycle gang acting all queer and shit.

Thanks to all this exposure, when the kids grow up, they will not think of gays as creatures who should be stowed in a dungeon like some scary, gruel-eating gimp. They’ll remember gays walking hand-in-hand in the parks, holding political office and riding around on motorcycles, acting all gay and shit, which is why homophobes are fighting gay marriage to the bloody end. 

So, let’s be honest—yes, there is a gay agenda, and since it’s too late to brainwash adults, yes, the agenda is to brainwash children, brainwash them into being loving, tolerant human beings and brainwash them into embracing diversity. That is not the same as trying to turn kids gay, which you’d have to be a stupid, idiot, moron, fool, nincompoop, dunce, dizzard, chump, boob, bumpkin, dunderhead, fathead, brain-dead, ninny, nitwit, simp, juggins, dope, twit, goof, imbecile, pinhead, ignoramus to believe. Stupid23 is what you’d have to be to believe that hooey.

Write to ed@sdcitybeat.com and editor@sdcitybeat.com. For more exponents, visit www.edwindecker.com.