Our predictions

Plural will return to the local music scene minus three members. The new act will be called Singular. The John Meeks One will wonder why he didn’t think of that.

Local rapper Brendan B will have a discrimination lawsuit filed against him by the remaining letters of the alphabet. As a result of the litigation, ’90s hip-hop group Another Bad Creation (ABC) is forced to indefinitely postpone a reunion tour.

The Casbah books hip-hop shows for three solid months in an effort to broaden its musical horizons. The club goes out of business within two weeks.

’Canes cancels all scheduled performances by Sublime cover bands. The club goes out of business within two weeks.
The Dissimilars find out they have more in common than they originally thought.

That One Guy continues to wear flip-flops to shows, despite having his big toe broken on three separate occasions.
Nineties club nights replace ’80s club nights at all local venues. The Gaslamp Quarter is subsequently flooded with the sounds of Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” and Wreckx-N-Effect’s “Rump Shaker.”

PETA protests upcoming reunion shows by Lucy’s Fur Coat.

Bar Pink Elephant hires extra bartenders on the weekend so that it’s possible to get a beer in slightly less time than it takes to brew it.

The members of Zeros cover band Wild Weekend form a side-project called Mild Weekend. Their new material consists solely of Boz Scaggs covers.

Wayfarer sunglasses go out of style. Meanwhile, Blu-Blockers experience a renaissance.

Rafter Roberts changes his name to “Kayaker.”

In a drastic move, Guitar Center eliminates most of its inventory in favor of tubas, trombones and other brass instruments. As a result, emo bands and marching bands become practically interchangeable. On a related note, an enormous poster of a shirtless Dave Navarro playing a French horn will greet customers at the San Marcos location.
Hotel St. George is downgraded by AAA, forcing a name change to Motel St. George.

Sales of Pabst Blue Ribbon increase when hipsters find out that the beer’s secret ingredient is Isaac Brock’s urine.

The coolest places to check out live music in North Park will be the water tower across from the recreation center, Ten’s strip club and that weird poker place on El Cajon Boulevard that looks like it should be in an episode of The Wire.

Kill Me Tomorrow will live up to their moniker when they are killed tomorrow—well, almost. The band temporarily renames itself As I Also Lay Dying.

Revenge Club will switch from being a club to a troop. They will also start selling cookies and going on camping trips. This will be considered very punk-rock by those in the know—and Brownies.

Switchfoot will go from regular to goofy and then back again. They will slowly morph into the Bob Burnquists of the subtle-Christian-influence-VH1-rock sound. 

The Locust release an acoustic album.

The pants worn by patrons at The Casbah will get so tight that the venue will be able to double its capacity. 

The sound at the Tower Bar will become so bad that it will cause a deaf person to go blind.

San Diego will come to the harsh realization that the Beauty Bar isn’t really beautiful at all—it’s merely fuckable.

Louis XIV’s new album will finally get a good review when their father, Louis XIII, gives in to his urge to “enter the blogosphere.”

A lawsuit is filed against prolific music blogger (and sometimes defense attorney) Scott Pactor by former legal clients alleging that he spends too much time blogging. Pactor is sentenced to 100 hours of delivering CityBeat with an additional 50 hours in punitive damages tacked on for naming his blog “Cat Dirt Sez.”

Biggest surprise trend among San Diego music hipsters for 2008: going to the beach.

Biggest surprise exercise trend among San Diego music hipsters for 2008: trying to still look cool while slowly drowning after going to the beach for the first time in eight years.

The harsh truth of the defunct Kite Flying Society will be revealed. Turns out, to become a member of the society, you had to feast on the flesh of a dead baby. Plus, they never even flew any kites.

The San Diego Reader begins literally phoning in its music coverage by paying tipsters $100 to record local shows on their iPhones and then leave the recordings on Ken Leighton’s answering machine.  

Rookie Card will be so old that their rookie card will actually be worth some money.

Someone that has never before smoked pot will purchase a hot dog from the cart outside of Winston’s at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday. The hot dog vendor will be too high to notice.

People finally realize that Dream Street is a building and not a road. But keeping with the original theme, the owners will switch from making bands sell tickets for their own shows to simply forcing them to pay a toll.

The Muslims mysteriously disappear without a trace after penning a song jokingly titled “Friends of Osama.” Sightings of the band at Guantanamo Bay are confirmed.

Mike Aguirre finally releases his long-lost 1988 rap collaboration with 2 Live Crew. You know, the one where he raps about smoking ganja, late-night encounters with big-booty ho’s, building up his corners and “just getting fucked up, yo!” Critics will be amazed at how mellow the young Mike Aguirre was.

Somebody actually drops a deuce in the Ken Club bathroom.

On a busy Saturday afternoon, the greatest San Diego musical prank ever will be pulled off when an irate, underpaid DJ locks himself in the sound booth at The Corvette Diner in Hillcrest and proceeds to play nothing but hardcore gangsta rap.

Mustaches and beards both go out of style. Meanwhile, the “male pattern baldness” haircut is embraced with a noticeable lack of irony.

Old Man Hands inks an endorsement deal with Neutrogena.

Steve Poltz releases 1,457 new songs for free on his website. He then apologies profusely to fans, saying “I had some writer’s block.”

The landing gear of an airplane flying too low into Lindbergh will hit the roof of the apartment above The Casbah. Since there was no show scheduled for the club that night, the apartment tenants will refer to it as “a pretty mellow evening.”